So...2010......
What a way we've come 2009.
The fights,
The heartaches
The loves
The hates
Oh how far we've come....
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Fear
"I want to be rich and I want lots of money.
I don`t care about clever, I don`t care about funny.
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds,
I heard people die while they are trying to find them.
Now I`m not a saint but I`m not a sinner,
Now everything is cool as long as I`m getting thinner.
And I am a weapon of massive consumption,
and its not my fault it`s how I`m program to function
I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror.
I`m on the right track yeah I`m on to a winner.
Life`s about film stars and less about mothers.
It`s all about fast cars and passing each other.
But it doesn`t matter cause I`m packing plastic
and that`s what makes my life so fucking fantastic.
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cuz I`m being taken over by The Fear"
~Lily Allen - The Fear
I can't believe it's December....My birthday is less than a month away....
Im stuck at 167lbs....This stupid problem area.....I can't lose anything!!!! Why won't it go away!
im so upset. My tummys so flabby and these stupid love handles............
I won a contest I got an invite to LOOKBOOK.NU so now I can properly stalk all the skinny people.....
I saw New Moon with David when it came out and we kinda got a bit touchy in the theater...he tried to put his hand between my thighs but the stupid things kept touching no matter how far apart I pulled them so he gave up and touched my chest instead..........Shamefull....
I think that for my birthday that Im going to get a VCH, a vertical clit hood piercing, or wait till after I have sex...im not sure.......I still want to finish my navel compass though. And I think that I'd like a nice tattoo on my side........
Urg, upsetness.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Push it.
Argg...Im down to 165 and now heres where my worries begin.....For the life of me I can't seem to reasch 159 at least....very fustrating......I struggle the most to loose any weight below 165......and when I reach that delicate 160-163 I have to fight or I'll wake up 167 again.....Stupid insulin.......
My blood sugar has jumped up for no reason but my A1C level has gone down a point! From 15 to 12 and now 11....Ha, take that you stupid sickness....I'll get you, and get you good...
I want to loose this weight soo fucking bad.....I fit losely in my size 6 jeans but I wanna wear size 4.....I wanna be pretty and thin.....
However I look at my body and I hate it....It seems like no matter how much I loose I still look so bad. Im embarased. David wants to see my belly ring but I don't want to show him..I don't want him to see these stupid ugly love handles and this portruding belly. I don't want him to touch these huge thighs.......
Viseral fat..........How the fuck do I get rid of it? The sooner the better. I want a flat tummy.
I had a dream that I was wonderously thin and beautiful with long flowing hair down my thighs......What a dream.......I want it to come true now....
I estimate from books that hair grows about 6 in every year. I told David this and said that maybe in 2 years time my hair will reach my thighs and hes now overly excited because he loves long hair.....but I see that my hair is breaking and I don't know why and Im fed up with it...I hate it.....I can't style it, I can't comb or brush it with out massive amounts of hair coming out, I can't put any product in it with out my hair getting all gummy and funny feeling....I HATE IT....
All I want is long pretty hair......
All I want is to be cute and thin and fit into thous small Asian one size only clothes without having to pull out a measuring tape and measuring to see if it will fit or not......
I saw a girl at my local mall about my height and ever so skinny...it was scary....I hated her....She complained that everything was too big for her and her shorter boyfriend just laughed and wraped his arms around her slender waist and I just wanted to throw a table at them both......
I hate that so much......
And David, God I love the boy but Damn it. Im the girl, Im suposed to be the skinny one!..
None of Davids clothes will ever fit me, and it's my dream to wear my boyfriends clothes....
I hate myself................
How do I lose this fat......?
I exersise, I eat right and little....but still....I look so bad in clothes and even worst without them.....
I just want to be beautiful......
My blood sugar has jumped up for no reason but my A1C level has gone down a point! From 15 to 12 and now 11....Ha, take that you stupid sickness....I'll get you, and get you good...
I want to loose this weight soo fucking bad.....I fit losely in my size 6 jeans but I wanna wear size 4.....I wanna be pretty and thin.....
However I look at my body and I hate it....It seems like no matter how much I loose I still look so bad. Im embarased. David wants to see my belly ring but I don't want to show him..I don't want him to see these stupid ugly love handles and this portruding belly. I don't want him to touch these huge thighs.......
Viseral fat..........How the fuck do I get rid of it? The sooner the better. I want a flat tummy.
I had a dream that I was wonderously thin and beautiful with long flowing hair down my thighs......What a dream.......I want it to come true now....
I estimate from books that hair grows about 6 in every year. I told David this and said that maybe in 2 years time my hair will reach my thighs and hes now overly excited because he loves long hair.....but I see that my hair is breaking and I don't know why and Im fed up with it...I hate it.....I can't style it, I can't comb or brush it with out massive amounts of hair coming out, I can't put any product in it with out my hair getting all gummy and funny feeling....I HATE IT....
All I want is long pretty hair......
All I want is to be cute and thin and fit into thous small Asian one size only clothes without having to pull out a measuring tape and measuring to see if it will fit or not......
I saw a girl at my local mall about my height and ever so skinny...it was scary....I hated her....She complained that everything was too big for her and her shorter boyfriend just laughed and wraped his arms around her slender waist and I just wanted to throw a table at them both......
I hate that so much......
And David, God I love the boy but Damn it. Im the girl, Im suposed to be the skinny one!..
None of Davids clothes will ever fit me, and it's my dream to wear my boyfriends clothes....
I hate myself................
How do I lose this fat......?
I exersise, I eat right and little....but still....I look so bad in clothes and even worst without them.....
I just want to be beautiful......
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Two Faced
Hmmm, so I learned somthing very interesting about David after having a little talk with him but before I begin I want to explain some terms that people might not get (if you know what yaoi is, high five!!!)
Yaoi- Male on Male (basically gay) comics (manga), Girl Porn
Uke- Submissive, bottom, taker
Seme- Dominant, top, giver
So me and David friends have a little joke going around that David is the uke and Im the Seme in our relationship but Lord after these few week I found out how wrong they are....So wrong....
David is fierce. Intence. not at all like a manly girl. In fact the only reason why it seems like Im the one doing everything is because if he doesn't hold him self back by acting all weak and frail he could seriously hurt someone.
This thought that David was some kind of super Seme occured after we were dry humping in Central Park (lol...), He was on top of me and fucking me so damn hard I felt like I was going to cum hard and ruin my pants (Im a heavy squirter), I loved every second of it. It was so refreshing and new compared to his relaxed "ehhh do what you want" with me on top aproach.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about it among other things. David is like the ice to my fire. Apperently as of late he's been "intoxciated by my curves" All he wants to do is touch me and just "get lost in my curves". He told me I was "cute, yet oh so hot. The perfect combination" My personality was soft and gental in general yet he knew I had a deep lusty, dark and hard side to me. He loves me and I him. Ive just come to realize how good for each other we are and just in time too. But I can't believe he even remotly finds me sexy. He told me that at first it was my personality over everything else that attracted him, it was only much, much later that he began to look at my body. I WONDER WHY..<---sarcastic tone intended.
I need to get rid of this weight. so far Im going good but I have to get better...I have to...I need to, I WANT to.
I think of all the beautiful clothes I could buy....
I think of David carrying me acrocss a feild.
I think I think, I think think think.
Anyway, Im trying to join LOOKBOOK.nu but it's been so long....Can someone please invite me?
nyan.
Yaoi- Male on Male (basically gay) comics (manga), Girl Porn
Uke- Submissive, bottom, taker
Seme- Dominant, top, giver
So me and David friends have a little joke going around that David is the uke and Im the Seme in our relationship but Lord after these few week I found out how wrong they are....So wrong....
David is fierce. Intence. not at all like a manly girl. In fact the only reason why it seems like Im the one doing everything is because if he doesn't hold him self back by acting all weak and frail he could seriously hurt someone.
This thought that David was some kind of super Seme occured after we were dry humping in Central Park (lol...), He was on top of me and fucking me so damn hard I felt like I was going to cum hard and ruin my pants (Im a heavy squirter), I loved every second of it. It was so refreshing and new compared to his relaxed "ehhh do what you want" with me on top aproach.
We talked on the phone a few days ago about it among other things. David is like the ice to my fire. Apperently as of late he's been "intoxciated by my curves" All he wants to do is touch me and just "get lost in my curves". He told me I was "cute, yet oh so hot. The perfect combination" My personality was soft and gental in general yet he knew I had a deep lusty, dark and hard side to me. He loves me and I him. Ive just come to realize how good for each other we are and just in time too. But I can't believe he even remotly finds me sexy. He told me that at first it was my personality over everything else that attracted him, it was only much, much later that he began to look at my body. I WONDER WHY..<---sarcastic tone intended.
I need to get rid of this weight. so far Im going good but I have to get better...I have to...I need to, I WANT to.
I think of all the beautiful clothes I could buy....
I think of David carrying me acrocss a feild.
I think I think, I think think think.
Anyway, Im trying to join LOOKBOOK.nu but it's been so long....Can someone please invite me?
nyan.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Dreams : A One Step Program
November. Well I ment to post on Halloween but I've been so
distracted. With a good cause.
distracted. With a good cause.
I love Ben but after seeing the change Dani has made on him I respect
that and see that maybe it was never ment to be.
David is more so like me than I realized and I've completely fallen in
love with him. However I'm insanely jelous of his 19 inch waist and
therefore have resorted to torchering him with girl clothes. Dresses
skirts..... Haha!
Dispite my fear if weight loss pills I took a chance on some call
Japanese Ling xi(?) and went from 176lbs to 167lbs In about 2 or so
weeks and for the first time in my life I have a waist that's in the
20s..... My waist went from 33+inches to 29-28 inches my hips from
41.5 to 37 my bust from 42 to 37................. It's amazing. My
tummy is still a little big and love handels are still there but still
sometimes I can't help but stare. I look good!!!!!!! Sexy and curvy.
Subcounsiously even David has noticed as he likes to put his hands on
my waist more often now and pull me closer to him.
So much has happened between us that I'm at a loss for words.
At the rate I'm going, by the time I hit my birthday I'll be a skinny
formally virgin girl!!! Haha!!
I actually want to have sex with David, the thought came to me one
evening when me and him were together on a park bench making out and
before I knew it I was on his lap grinding like mad and moaning as he
sucked on my neck vampire style. He was very respectful and didn't
push me into anything even though I was the only one who came. The
next time we met and something like that happened I couldn't believe
how horny he made me, I started encouraging him to dry fuck me real
hard. However I didn't cum this time, I tried to give him a Blow job
and had gotton so fAr as to suck on him for a bit but it was late and
I had to go home or suffer my parents.
Yesterday now when the mood struck us again, this time in Central Park
on A partially hidden picnic table, I sucked him good untill he came
but a police officer came over at that exact moment and gave us a
warning and we fleed, embarased but fufilled. I felt a bit angry
because I had wanted him to cum in my mouth and the poliece officer
prevented that. So next time idk what's Gonna happen but either we'll
find a more secluded place or go to his home and pray his parents
don't disturb us....... Haha!!!
I like all this dry humping and all but I want his cock in me soon, I
feel whorish for saying it but that's the God honest truth. Sexually
fustrated for years and now I have a willing lover to take it all
away.......pure bliss..
Something that suprised me however was how long we've been
together.... I wasn't keeping track but he told me that it's actually
very close to a year so a little over 6-7 months.... Amazing......
Well I have alot to say but as I am typing this from my phone my hands
hurt lots now so later.....
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Cute is what I aim for.
So I got my nails done in a silk wrap and got eyelash extentions today. Also about a week ago I got my eyebrows done.
In short I look good.
I think even David has taken notice that Im looking better than usual because I have 2 dates with him this week. I can't wait till he sees me tomorrow. He'll probably take me somewhere everyday next week!
Im writing college essays now and applying for financial aid. So far I'v got about $6000 under my belt. Which is 1 year of a SUNY or CUNY School, almost half for some private colleges and still $15000+ short for NYU and Columbia. I need money...
I want a job so bad, Im going broke but my parents won't let me get one..Which is stupid, you can't buy everything I want so let me go get it on my own. Whats so hard about that? Some kids would just drain your bank no care at least Im trying to be on my own....
But thats the problem, they want me with them forever and I want my own life.
They sent my cat to the pound on Friday for no reason... I wasted my whole weekend trying to get her back and when I did on Monday she had lost over 5lbs...She is easily blown over in the wind now......However Im kinda jelous. I need to loose 5+lbs in a weekend too but in my cats case it was from stress so yeah.........................
I've been colecting alot of Japanese Magazines and staring at them....My thinspo......
I got that new dual view Samsung camera that has an lcd screan in the front and it is epic....I love it so much and it takes good pics. Much better unfortunatly than my Nikon S230 which looked cool but was rubish.
I want to buy my birthday outfits now. I plan on wearing Lolita dresses and coats. I've picked out about 3 dresses and 2 coats but I need about $300 and I don't want to go into my savings but I can't ind my dads stupid cerdit card number...I fucking lost it at a bad time too........
Well yeah, Im going to go wander off now....Hahaha!
In short I look good.
I think even David has taken notice that Im looking better than usual because I have 2 dates with him this week. I can't wait till he sees me tomorrow. He'll probably take me somewhere everyday next week!
Im writing college essays now and applying for financial aid. So far I'v got about $6000 under my belt. Which is 1 year of a SUNY or CUNY School, almost half for some private colleges and still $15000+ short for NYU and Columbia. I need money...
I want a job so bad, Im going broke but my parents won't let me get one..Which is stupid, you can't buy everything I want so let me go get it on my own. Whats so hard about that? Some kids would just drain your bank no care at least Im trying to be on my own....
But thats the problem, they want me with them forever and I want my own life.
They sent my cat to the pound on Friday for no reason... I wasted my whole weekend trying to get her back and when I did on Monday she had lost over 5lbs...She is easily blown over in the wind now......However Im kinda jelous. I need to loose 5+lbs in a weekend too but in my cats case it was from stress so yeah.........................
I've been colecting alot of Japanese Magazines and staring at them....My thinspo......
I got that new dual view Samsung camera that has an lcd screan in the front and it is epic....I love it so much and it takes good pics. Much better unfortunatly than my Nikon S230 which looked cool but was rubish.
I want to buy my birthday outfits now. I plan on wearing Lolita dresses and coats. I've picked out about 3 dresses and 2 coats but I need about $300 and I don't want to go into my savings but I can't ind my dads stupid cerdit card number...I fucking lost it at a bad time too........
Well yeah, Im going to go wander off now....Hahaha!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Want Me?
Hmm, Im like super stupid or something.....
Well anyway, Im applying for collages now.
All my life all that was drilled into me was Med School Med School Med School, your nothing without it. Your a failure, your not our child if you don't go to Med School.
Im not a doctor, I've never felt like one. I don't care about people. I...well I just want to know how they work, why they do what they do but still...I don't want to be a doctor....
Ever since I could remember I just knew that I wasn't ment to be "normal". To have a 9-5 job or whatever. I just knew that I was supossed to change the world. Big dreams yeah but I guess its what kept me somewhat sane.....
Art school did come into my head a few times but I dismissed it. I don't think I have talent for Art school at all......but My Art Teacher said I should, He told me my work was unique and that I'd do well in Art School but my stupid parents......They'll disown me if I even apply for it. Nonetheless....Im going to apply to Schools like FIT and SVA. Espicially thous two. I've taken classes at FIT so I know the area well and a few years back at a Convention a scout from SVA looked at some of my work and told me to apply when the time was right. So....I guess I have a chance. Im going to apply for NYU and Columbia even though Im pretty sure that they'll laugh at my application....
Well Somthing good that happen is that I've lost 10lb again. so Im down to 170.0...Thing is I've been eating all over the place, I was sure I'd put on weight. but yeah. I'll celebrate more when I reach 160 again....I bout my self a Marc Jacobs tote bag and the Cher mag Bag as a little reward/cheer up. I've been feeling so stressed from school. Too many fucking classes. For the past few weeks I've just been skipping classes finding excuces to come home early but I'm fucking up my grade. It seems that I started off well enough in Freshman year with tons of honors and advanced classes but now Im worst. I suck. Im failing. Im just stupid, and slow I can't keep up.
I went out with David yesterday and we went to a park in Chinatown and we ended up spending 3+ hours just makingout on a bench. I got home at like 11:00pm and my parents won't let me live it down. They honestly would rather have me locked up in my room than even sit on our own from porch. I don't understand that. First they were like "Oh I don't go anywhere" now I go everywhere hang out with bad people and all kinds of bull...Im sick of it.......They make me want to just kill myself. In fact If I didn't have my friends I'd have probably done it. I'll never tell them that though. They already think Im weird.. Haha! but in a good way, thank God.
I feel like a man around David. I mean He's way skinny like less than 120 skinny and Im just huge. and I always iniciate everything. Dates, Kisses. Im an old school kind of girl and this is just wrecking my spirt. I do mind iniciating stuff but damn it take charge!!!! Im doing all the damn work! If I don't call I won't hear from David for weeks unless hes with his friends and they mention me. and stupid Ben declaring his undying love for Danni....Im heartbroken...
Lately I've been feeling so ugly dispite the weight loss. Im addicted to Japanese Magazines now and When I read though them I just feel so sad. I can't wear any of the clothes. Too small... I want to be small enough to fit into anything but yeah.....
Im going to try the master clense diet thing and see what happens but the thing about me a lazitives is that they don't really work for me. I took some a few days ago and it would have been better if I hadn't taken it at all because nothing diffrent happened. I tried a few diffrent ones following all what the directions say and nothing.....so Im pretty sure now that it's not toxic waste or whatever making me fat but just pure fat now....:-(
On a happy note, my hair is growing. It's really growing! It's about to touch my sholders now so all these months of wigs and product have worked!!! Im now using a beautiful lace front wig which looks and feels so real. I love it but because Im not gluing it down I keep finding myself in akward situations with it.
David mainly...I was suckiling on his neck and he really really enjoyed that a bit too much and he almost took my wig off my head...So I ended up kissing him to make him stop and fixing my wig at the same time....What an experence! But a tetimony to my keeping calm in a dire situation. Haha! My hair need to grow out fast because I can't take another event like than happening....
Hmm, Im drawing up plans for my birthday. It'd be nice to hit 150lb by then.
I think I'll go have a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes......
Well anyway, Im applying for collages now.
All my life all that was drilled into me was Med School Med School Med School, your nothing without it. Your a failure, your not our child if you don't go to Med School.
Im not a doctor, I've never felt like one. I don't care about people. I...well I just want to know how they work, why they do what they do but still...I don't want to be a doctor....
Ever since I could remember I just knew that I wasn't ment to be "normal". To have a 9-5 job or whatever. I just knew that I was supossed to change the world. Big dreams yeah but I guess its what kept me somewhat sane.....
Art school did come into my head a few times but I dismissed it. I don't think I have talent for Art school at all......but My Art Teacher said I should, He told me my work was unique and that I'd do well in Art School but my stupid parents......They'll disown me if I even apply for it. Nonetheless....Im going to apply to Schools like FIT and SVA. Espicially thous two. I've taken classes at FIT so I know the area well and a few years back at a Convention a scout from SVA looked at some of my work and told me to apply when the time was right. So....I guess I have a chance. Im going to apply for NYU and Columbia even though Im pretty sure that they'll laugh at my application....
Well Somthing good that happen is that I've lost 10lb again. so Im down to 170.0...Thing is I've been eating all over the place, I was sure I'd put on weight. but yeah. I'll celebrate more when I reach 160 again....I bout my self a Marc Jacobs tote bag and the Cher mag Bag as a little reward/cheer up. I've been feeling so stressed from school. Too many fucking classes. For the past few weeks I've just been skipping classes finding excuces to come home early but I'm fucking up my grade. It seems that I started off well enough in Freshman year with tons of honors and advanced classes but now Im worst. I suck. Im failing. Im just stupid, and slow I can't keep up.
I went out with David yesterday and we went to a park in Chinatown and we ended up spending 3+ hours just makingout on a bench. I got home at like 11:00pm and my parents won't let me live it down. They honestly would rather have me locked up in my room than even sit on our own from porch. I don't understand that. First they were like "Oh I don't go anywhere" now I go everywhere hang out with bad people and all kinds of bull...Im sick of it.......They make me want to just kill myself. In fact If I didn't have my friends I'd have probably done it. I'll never tell them that though. They already think Im weird.. Haha! but in a good way, thank God.
I feel like a man around David. I mean He's way skinny like less than 120 skinny and Im just huge. and I always iniciate everything. Dates, Kisses. Im an old school kind of girl and this is just wrecking my spirt. I do mind iniciating stuff but damn it take charge!!!! Im doing all the damn work! If I don't call I won't hear from David for weeks unless hes with his friends and they mention me. and stupid Ben declaring his undying love for Danni....Im heartbroken...
Lately I've been feeling so ugly dispite the weight loss. Im addicted to Japanese Magazines now and When I read though them I just feel so sad. I can't wear any of the clothes. Too small... I want to be small enough to fit into anything but yeah.....
Im going to try the master clense diet thing and see what happens but the thing about me a lazitives is that they don't really work for me. I took some a few days ago and it would have been better if I hadn't taken it at all because nothing diffrent happened. I tried a few diffrent ones following all what the directions say and nothing.....so Im pretty sure now that it's not toxic waste or whatever making me fat but just pure fat now....:-(
On a happy note, my hair is growing. It's really growing! It's about to touch my sholders now so all these months of wigs and product have worked!!! Im now using a beautiful lace front wig which looks and feels so real. I love it but because Im not gluing it down I keep finding myself in akward situations with it.
David mainly...I was suckiling on his neck and he really really enjoyed that a bit too much and he almost took my wig off my head...So I ended up kissing him to make him stop and fixing my wig at the same time....What an experence! But a tetimony to my keeping calm in a dire situation. Haha! My hair need to grow out fast because I can't take another event like than happening....
Hmm, Im drawing up plans for my birthday. It'd be nice to hit 150lb by then.
I think I'll go have a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes......
Monday, September 28, 2009
NYAF Afterword
I think this will easier to write if I seperate it into days.
Friday:
So I ended up sitting on the train for about 4 hours before I finally got tiered and just went to the con early. Ben had offered to take me but I had to wait a while since he was comming from school so I decided against it.
I bought a $150 corset. It was so worth the money. I looked so fucking good in it. Like OMG I lost 20 lbs good.
Ben was talking to me and some people and he just happen to tell them that me and him have known each other for over 3 years now When it's only been close to a year. I was about to correct him when he suddenly just pulled me aside and asked me to go with him....I'm still wondering what the hell was going on with that...
David came late....Its not even funny how late he came....but Im glad he did. After the con while he was walking me to the train station we just made out the whole way. We even had an extended kissing session in the train station since I was reluctant to leave.
Saturday:
I had reluctantly given my pass to my pretend daughter who said she'd be at the con at 10 as did David. I got to the con at 10 and had to wait till almost 1 before they came...I was soo pissed. I borowed Ben's girfriend Dani's pass and went in to change my out fit and stuff but she was nervous about it and I understood why since I was currently going through it. Im never giving my pass away again to anyone. If you can't afford the con too bad stay home. Im really angry at my pretend daughtee though. She wanted David and me to buy her Artwork, but not just any artwork expensive full sized prints. I had wanted to buy 2 full sized prints and a few minis but because of her I ended up buying only postcard sized ones for me and 2 full sized ones for her. I just didn't want David to have to pay for her alone but I ended up paying for everything. David did try to pay but it was too late and I just ignored the money. We didn't even get to do much together besides enjoy the masquerade snuggling. Pretend daughter was right there interfering and after a while David just fell out of the mood I guess because he didn't even kiss me goodnight. I wasn't happy about that. Not at all..
I bought the skirt to my corset and wore it all day. I think even Ben liked it. He actually picked me up and spun me around and grab my waist and every little thing that we used to do in the past.
Sunday:
Went early and met Ben and Dani getting ready by the entrance. She was painting a tattoo on his neck as part of his Vampire Knight Zero cosplay. I went to go change into my Baby The Stars Shine Bright lolita dress and when I came back they were gone so I wandered around buying things. Waiting for David who was late again but also feeling sick. Everyone kept saying I looked so sad. But aside from feeling sick I just felt calm. When David arived later he told me he too wasn't feeling well that morning. We did more shopping and he even helped me to pay for a book. I bought him some pins and thats how it went......that is untill pretend daughter showed up...
I can not put this any better. Pretend Daughter was basically Cockblocking MAJORLY. Everytime I wanted to give David a little kiss she'd magically turn around and ask "What are you doing! Your scaring me!!!" ARRGG! I wanted to murder her! I don't see David often so this was our quality time and she was invading it majorly.....And what pissed me off even more was that she went a blew $60 on more art work and stuff. and Im like "So if you had money why did you make us buy all that stuff for you?" David didn't seem to mind but I was pissed. David should be spending his money on me not her. David is not her Sugar Daddy, He is suposed to be the Father figure in her life. And sure I know fathers spoil their daughter but only on occasion damn it!! Not every damn time you meet!......and definatly not in this manner.
Our group dwindled down to just Pretend daughter, another Friend, Me and David and we all just hung out and laughed and had fun but Me and David wanted to get away from them....David was soo super affectionate. I don't think he's all to comfy with PDA's but he lets me get away with little things however he was pretty much all over me regaurdless but Daughter comes in and all is lost.................At least I got a good night kiss.....
But anyway something I noticed is that I lost 8 fucking pounds from this con...8!!!!! This is just another reason why I love cons......My first con I lost about 10+ lbs in that 3 days. I wish it lasted longer so I could get this 30lb off quick...I also think the corset had some play in this loss as well...Im so happy!!!!!
Ah, It's things like this that make my life much more enjoyable....
Friday:
So I ended up sitting on the train for about 4 hours before I finally got tiered and just went to the con early. Ben had offered to take me but I had to wait a while since he was comming from school so I decided against it.
I bought a $150 corset. It was so worth the money. I looked so fucking good in it. Like OMG I lost 20 lbs good.
Ben was talking to me and some people and he just happen to tell them that me and him have known each other for over 3 years now When it's only been close to a year. I was about to correct him when he suddenly just pulled me aside and asked me to go with him....I'm still wondering what the hell was going on with that...
David came late....Its not even funny how late he came....but Im glad he did. After the con while he was walking me to the train station we just made out the whole way. We even had an extended kissing session in the train station since I was reluctant to leave.
Saturday:
I had reluctantly given my pass to my pretend daughter who said she'd be at the con at 10 as did David. I got to the con at 10 and had to wait till almost 1 before they came...I was soo pissed. I borowed Ben's girfriend Dani's pass and went in to change my out fit and stuff but she was nervous about it and I understood why since I was currently going through it. Im never giving my pass away again to anyone. If you can't afford the con too bad stay home. Im really angry at my pretend daughtee though. She wanted David and me to buy her Artwork, but not just any artwork expensive full sized prints. I had wanted to buy 2 full sized prints and a few minis but because of her I ended up buying only postcard sized ones for me and 2 full sized ones for her. I just didn't want David to have to pay for her alone but I ended up paying for everything. David did try to pay but it was too late and I just ignored the money. We didn't even get to do much together besides enjoy the masquerade snuggling. Pretend daughter was right there interfering and after a while David just fell out of the mood I guess because he didn't even kiss me goodnight. I wasn't happy about that. Not at all..
I bought the skirt to my corset and wore it all day. I think even Ben liked it. He actually picked me up and spun me around and grab my waist and every little thing that we used to do in the past.
Sunday:
Went early and met Ben and Dani getting ready by the entrance. She was painting a tattoo on his neck as part of his Vampire Knight Zero cosplay. I went to go change into my Baby The Stars Shine Bright lolita dress and when I came back they were gone so I wandered around buying things. Waiting for David who was late again but also feeling sick. Everyone kept saying I looked so sad. But aside from feeling sick I just felt calm. When David arived later he told me he too wasn't feeling well that morning. We did more shopping and he even helped me to pay for a book. I bought him some pins and thats how it went......that is untill pretend daughter showed up...
I can not put this any better. Pretend Daughter was basically Cockblocking MAJORLY. Everytime I wanted to give David a little kiss she'd magically turn around and ask "What are you doing! Your scaring me!!!" ARRGG! I wanted to murder her! I don't see David often so this was our quality time and she was invading it majorly.....And what pissed me off even more was that she went a blew $60 on more art work and stuff. and Im like "So if you had money why did you make us buy all that stuff for you?" David didn't seem to mind but I was pissed. David should be spending his money on me not her. David is not her Sugar Daddy, He is suposed to be the Father figure in her life. And sure I know fathers spoil their daughter but only on occasion damn it!! Not every damn time you meet!......and definatly not in this manner.
Our group dwindled down to just Pretend daughter, another Friend, Me and David and we all just hung out and laughed and had fun but Me and David wanted to get away from them....David was soo super affectionate. I don't think he's all to comfy with PDA's but he lets me get away with little things however he was pretty much all over me regaurdless but Daughter comes in and all is lost.................At least I got a good night kiss.....
But anyway something I noticed is that I lost 8 fucking pounds from this con...8!!!!! This is just another reason why I love cons......My first con I lost about 10+ lbs in that 3 days. I wish it lasted longer so I could get this 30lb off quick...I also think the corset had some play in this loss as well...Im so happy!!!!!
Ah, It's things like this that make my life much more enjoyable....
Friday, September 25, 2009
NYAF Prequel
So I just got my ticket for NYAF like a few seconds ago.....Im actually surprised I still got it since it is technically the day of the event.
Im skipping school to go to it how ever which is proving harder by the hour. I have to leave the house at 7 to pretend Im going to school and the con doesn't even start till 1:00......I don't know what to do other than stay on the train and just go up and down till about 10-11 then go over to my favorite book store and wait...but its a too far to walk from the book store to the convention... So I just might stay on the train till about 11-12.
This is rough......thing is if I tell me parents they're just going to bitch on me about how I can't go anywhere and utter stupidness. Id didn't even want to begin so I told them I had volunteer work to do over the weekend..Can't complain about that, right?
Still its so rough...I hate this. all I want to do is cry right now. It's been such a long day.
I went from school to a college fair and only came it at about 11pm. from 6am to 11pm....Its rough.....
and Im not even fully ready for the con...I just through together some last minute stuff...Im not feeling very confidant but hopefully I'll make some new friends on my own here.
I bought a few meal replacement shakes to test out. I just can't find one I like so...well yeah...I hope these work.
Right now the only meal I have is breakfast everyday So Im trying to get as much nutrients as possible with out the calories....some of these drinks are heavy on the cals..
What to do......
Im skipping school to go to it how ever which is proving harder by the hour. I have to leave the house at 7 to pretend Im going to school and the con doesn't even start till 1:00......I don't know what to do other than stay on the train and just go up and down till about 10-11 then go over to my favorite book store and wait...but its a too far to walk from the book store to the convention... So I just might stay on the train till about 11-12.
This is rough......thing is if I tell me parents they're just going to bitch on me about how I can't go anywhere and utter stupidness. Id didn't even want to begin so I told them I had volunteer work to do over the weekend..Can't complain about that, right?
Still its so rough...I hate this. all I want to do is cry right now. It's been such a long day.
I went from school to a college fair and only came it at about 11pm. from 6am to 11pm....Its rough.....
and Im not even fully ready for the con...I just through together some last minute stuff...Im not feeling very confidant but hopefully I'll make some new friends on my own here.
I bought a few meal replacement shakes to test out. I just can't find one I like so...well yeah...I hope these work.
Right now the only meal I have is breakfast everyday So Im trying to get as much nutrients as possible with out the calories....some of these drinks are heavy on the cals..
What to do......
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dominatrix
So My 3GS came to day but unfortunatly I got stuck with a 3.1 one so now I can't jailbreak it. On top of that I accendentaly used my dads upgrade to get the phone so now its his number on the phone but I'll think about it tomorrow.
I also got the nike + sensor. I figure since I had the shoe already I might as well get it.
I bought a size 8 dress from NY and Co and it fit like a dream on my top area however I couldn't step into it to put it on...I also noticed that my size 10 Levi's were very VERY tight.
Now I bought thouse pants very very baggy and loose so for them to be tight now is very very telling.
Im geting small on top but big on the bottom...
What to do.......
But hey It's something. I've been logging my foods and so far for the week I haven't eaten above 900 cal daily. Which is normal so I guess that means that in order to loose some serious weight I have to eat about 500-700 which is basically the ABC diet....
But I don't get it. Why am I fat if I eat less that 900 cal a day?....it's the diabetes I tell you....It loves fat. I should have been a size 0 by now. I need to do something.
Anyway I gave David a present from France and England. A Parisian Teddy Bear and British Pocky and today I got this message from him on Facebook.
Mika, I never really thanked you appropriately since you had to leave early, so I wanted to say this instead. You're a wonderful person aside from the friends we've already gotten to know and I'm sure we'll both always grow for the better. I'm keeping the Bear where I can see it so it'll remind me of you ^ ^ Bye for now.
Tears fell from my eye just to see this. It ment alot to me. David's really a great guy. I just wish that he'd be more agressive with me. Im a girly girl to the max, I don't like being tough nor do I want to be the man in the relationship. I want someone to dominate me, someone who takes charge of stuff. I can hold my own yes but Id rather not.
I want someone to pamper me forever~
But I have to loose this weight first. I have to get it away and become clean again.
It's a good thing Im getting there.
I also got the nike + sensor. I figure since I had the shoe already I might as well get it.
I bought a size 8 dress from NY and Co and it fit like a dream on my top area however I couldn't step into it to put it on...I also noticed that my size 10 Levi's were very VERY tight.
Now I bought thouse pants very very baggy and loose so for them to be tight now is very very telling.
Im geting small on top but big on the bottom...
What to do.......
But hey It's something. I've been logging my foods and so far for the week I haven't eaten above 900 cal daily. Which is normal so I guess that means that in order to loose some serious weight I have to eat about 500-700 which is basically the ABC diet....
But I don't get it. Why am I fat if I eat less that 900 cal a day?....it's the diabetes I tell you....It loves fat. I should have been a size 0 by now. I need to do something.
Anyway I gave David a present from France and England. A Parisian Teddy Bear and British Pocky and today I got this message from him on Facebook.
Mika, I never really thanked you appropriately since you had to leave early, so I wanted to say this instead. You're a wonderful person aside from the friends we've already gotten to know and I'm sure we'll both always grow for the better. I'm keeping the Bear where I can see it so it'll remind me of you ^ ^ Bye for now.
Tears fell from my eye just to see this. It ment alot to me. David's really a great guy. I just wish that he'd be more agressive with me. Im a girly girl to the max, I don't like being tough nor do I want to be the man in the relationship. I want someone to dominate me, someone who takes charge of stuff. I can hold my own yes but Id rather not.
I want someone to pamper me forever~
But I have to loose this weight first. I have to get it away and become clean again.
It's a good thing Im getting there.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Because Pictures are worth a thousand words
My "Family" { Top Left Ben and Me, Top Right Kitteh my "daughter", Bottom Left Juju my "daughter" and Bottom Left David }
Me and Ben.
This is how it always should have been.
But I feel insecure.....everyones thinner than me. They look better than me but I guess that I'll accept it for now because one day We'll all be beautiful together.
"Your My Everything, Your All I Ever Wanted."
So I went to Ben's Party after hours of trying on Clothes, Testing out various makeup styles and fixing my hair.
It was absolutly wonderfull.
There were a few awkard moments but still they were great.
I'll start from the begining.
My mom decided to stalk me, Which had me uneasy from the start. We got to the meeting spot super early and I Starting wandering around. After a few minutes I bumped into Dani, Ben's Girlfriend. We talked and she showed me the huge (and yummy) cake she baked for him and my heart melted...
I would have done the same for him.
She also showed me the present box she made for him, it was too cute. I left her and brought my mom back to meet her and sent my mom off on her way. A few minutes pass and another one of our friends show up and we just start cracking jokes and being silly. We started talking about How my boyfriend David could be counted on to be late when hanging with friends but super early when it one on one with me. Eariler I had told him not to be late because it just made me feel sad and true to his word he arived just a minute before the offical time.
I basicly just ran and glomped him then dragged him back towards everyone with a silly grin.
Then Ben arived in his typical "Stalk me" fashion. He sat down and Dani gave him her gift which he opened quickly and here where weird moment number one occurs.
His kisses Dani smack on the lips.
Moment number 2 occurs when one of our friends makes a comment (Jokingly) that interacial couples scare him. Dani(whos white) and Ben Kiss again and Ben starts pushing for David to kiss me...
We just laughed it off..
Truth is, we'd never kissed eachother before. I've been wanting to for a while now but I never knew how to go about it with him.
So futher along more friends come and David lends me his earphones since I was too lazy to go get mine from where I left my bag and I start jamming to My favorite J-Pop band Perfume.
Now you must know, I love music. Id die without it, it shapes my world. And with my love of music come my love of dancing.
So while jaming I read out and grab 2 plushies and start making them dance with me. My friends are pretty used to my random dance move but I guess this was a whole new level for them. Ben started bothering me and telling me to put them away but I just ignored him and kept dancing. Then suddenly he just stood up and came over to me and towered over me.
I promptly took a picture of him and poked him.
He didn't say anything and then we ended up having one of our staring bouts. In the begining we used to do this alot but around the time he figured out I liked him Id just became a bit shy and backed down a bit but today I looked at him full on.
For months I told myself that if a moment like this came again that I'd tell him how sorry I was for ruining everything but nothing came. I just started blinking alot and then for a moment his eyes seemed to sparkled and I offhandedly asked if he was wearing contact lenses. We stared for a bit more and then he broke off looking a bit insecure.
Later on while we were getting ready to leave I stole a hat from one of my friends and Ben started running after me. I was going good since I had on my running shoes but then he "accidentaly" Wraped his hand around my long hair and pulled...
"Why!" was the first world I screamed before he hugged me and said "Im sorry but it's too long, it's too long, it's just blowing behind you, Im sorry"
I just stormed off and left him with the hat.
On the train when we were going to our destination I started to mess with his hair a bit. He let me and I messed with it some more and all the memories came back to me. I compared his hair from the first time I touched it to now and was just stunned at how accuratly I could tell the differance. I didn't comment on this because I was weary of him not being happy with it. Around the time we started breaking off he started getting annoyed with me touching his hair but now he really enjoyed it and he asked why I didn't ask him to mess with his hair anymore.
"Um, you didn't want me too.."
"Hn, you didn't ask..."
I just let it go and countinued on.
Now on the train one of my friends (Who I call my daughter) Tried to give me a kiss on the cheek while we were on the train and she accidentaly kissed me on the lips..We laughed it off but then she pushed mine and Davids faces together and we kissed but it was wierd and so I asked him if we could try again and he obliged. So ta da! Our first kiss after 3 months?? Oh well.
Thing is Ben was standing right in front of us when it happened and when I looked at him he promptly looked away and started calling for Dani...
Normally I don't expect hugs from Ben because he brushes me of most of the time but this time as I left the train I didn't even have to ask him. He just pulled me and hugged me.
Now, not everything I've said happen in order and there are so much else that happened that I just can't write about because it's so much but the main summery is that the feelings Ben and I shared that I thought were gone forever are still there. And In fact I saw just why he decided to hook up with Dani.
She reminds him of me.
She likes a majority of the same music as me, we both do alot of the same weird things. I actually like her, and in different circumstance I think We'd be the best of friends. but yeah....Main thing is that I can now have some hope that maybe one day We'll be together. One day we'll have our time.
I love my friends....Without them I don't know what Id do.
It was absolutly wonderfull.
There were a few awkard moments but still they were great.
I'll start from the begining.
My mom decided to stalk me, Which had me uneasy from the start. We got to the meeting spot super early and I Starting wandering around. After a few minutes I bumped into Dani, Ben's Girlfriend. We talked and she showed me the huge (and yummy) cake she baked for him and my heart melted...
I would have done the same for him.
She also showed me the present box she made for him, it was too cute. I left her and brought my mom back to meet her and sent my mom off on her way. A few minutes pass and another one of our friends show up and we just start cracking jokes and being silly. We started talking about How my boyfriend David could be counted on to be late when hanging with friends but super early when it one on one with me. Eariler I had told him not to be late because it just made me feel sad and true to his word he arived just a minute before the offical time.
I basicly just ran and glomped him then dragged him back towards everyone with a silly grin.
Then Ben arived in his typical "Stalk me" fashion. He sat down and Dani gave him her gift which he opened quickly and here where weird moment number one occurs.
His kisses Dani smack on the lips.
Moment number 2 occurs when one of our friends makes a comment (Jokingly) that interacial couples scare him. Dani(whos white) and Ben Kiss again and Ben starts pushing for David to kiss me...
We just laughed it off..
Truth is, we'd never kissed eachother before. I've been wanting to for a while now but I never knew how to go about it with him.
So futher along more friends come and David lends me his earphones since I was too lazy to go get mine from where I left my bag and I start jamming to My favorite J-Pop band Perfume.
Now you must know, I love music. Id die without it, it shapes my world. And with my love of music come my love of dancing.
So while jaming I read out and grab 2 plushies and start making them dance with me. My friends are pretty used to my random dance move but I guess this was a whole new level for them. Ben started bothering me and telling me to put them away but I just ignored him and kept dancing. Then suddenly he just stood up and came over to me and towered over me.
I promptly took a picture of him and poked him.
He didn't say anything and then we ended up having one of our staring bouts. In the begining we used to do this alot but around the time he figured out I liked him Id just became a bit shy and backed down a bit but today I looked at him full on.
For months I told myself that if a moment like this came again that I'd tell him how sorry I was for ruining everything but nothing came. I just started blinking alot and then for a moment his eyes seemed to sparkled and I offhandedly asked if he was wearing contact lenses. We stared for a bit more and then he broke off looking a bit insecure.
Later on while we were getting ready to leave I stole a hat from one of my friends and Ben started running after me. I was going good since I had on my running shoes but then he "accidentaly" Wraped his hand around my long hair and pulled...
"Why!" was the first world I screamed before he hugged me and said "Im sorry but it's too long, it's too long, it's just blowing behind you, Im sorry"
I just stormed off and left him with the hat.
On the train when we were going to our destination I started to mess with his hair a bit. He let me and I messed with it some more and all the memories came back to me. I compared his hair from the first time I touched it to now and was just stunned at how accuratly I could tell the differance. I didn't comment on this because I was weary of him not being happy with it. Around the time we started breaking off he started getting annoyed with me touching his hair but now he really enjoyed it and he asked why I didn't ask him to mess with his hair anymore.
"Um, you didn't want me too.."
"Hn, you didn't ask..."
I just let it go and countinued on.
Now on the train one of my friends (Who I call my daughter) Tried to give me a kiss on the cheek while we were on the train and she accidentaly kissed me on the lips..We laughed it off but then she pushed mine and Davids faces together and we kissed but it was wierd and so I asked him if we could try again and he obliged. So ta da! Our first kiss after 3 months?? Oh well.
Thing is Ben was standing right in front of us when it happened and when I looked at him he promptly looked away and started calling for Dani...
Normally I don't expect hugs from Ben because he brushes me of most of the time but this time as I left the train I didn't even have to ask him. He just pulled me and hugged me.
Now, not everything I've said happen in order and there are so much else that happened that I just can't write about because it's so much but the main summery is that the feelings Ben and I shared that I thought were gone forever are still there. And In fact I saw just why he decided to hook up with Dani.
She reminds him of me.
She likes a majority of the same music as me, we both do alot of the same weird things. I actually like her, and in different circumstance I think We'd be the best of friends. but yeah....Main thing is that I can now have some hope that maybe one day We'll be together. One day we'll have our time.
I love my friends....Without them I don't know what Id do.
Friday, September 18, 2009
I gotta get through this...
Today was good. The Assiant Principal confirmed my status as a Senior so Im going to graduate in June but...
I have to pass my Math A Regents
I fucking took that test 4 times and I KEEP FAILING IT!!!
I did so well on every other one but Math is killing me!!!!!!!!
I want to be done with school!
I starved all day, sick with worry.
New York is the only state left who does this stupid exam. They keep wondering why Kids drop out like flies it because of this exam.
You really gotta be smart or crafty to go to school in New York.......
If your a guy and can afford it you can go to a special Private School that doesn't do regents in NY.
Thats where Majority of my guy friends (Ben and David included) went to.
I left Private school so that I could graduate early.
I'm looking for math tutors. I need one to crunch for the January Regents and then again for the CUNY Placement test and the SAT. Im trying to score high enough ( like a 4 for CUNY and like 500+ for SAT) so that I can forget about Math in collage.
I actually took the SAT as a freshman and got really high in Verbal (like 600) and Writing but I failed math so hard...I got 300.
And heres the killer. You get about 200 points for filling in your name and I got 300.....
I feel sick.
I sware I just might jump off something if I don't pass this damn test.
I wish I was Sylar from Heroes. Id fucking sap out the damn test info from the damn head of the regents team leader themself.
Or if I could Mindread....Id fucking mind rape all the smart people and get a perfect score on everything.
I want to be perfect....
and now it's do or die.
I have to pass my Math A Regents
I fucking took that test 4 times and I KEEP FAILING IT!!!
I did so well on every other one but Math is killing me!!!!!!!!
I want to be done with school!
I starved all day, sick with worry.
New York is the only state left who does this stupid exam. They keep wondering why Kids drop out like flies it because of this exam.
You really gotta be smart or crafty to go to school in New York.......
If your a guy and can afford it you can go to a special Private School that doesn't do regents in NY.
Thats where Majority of my guy friends (Ben and David included) went to.
I left Private school so that I could graduate early.
I'm looking for math tutors. I need one to crunch for the January Regents and then again for the CUNY Placement test and the SAT. Im trying to score high enough ( like a 4 for CUNY and like 500+ for SAT) so that I can forget about Math in collage.
I actually took the SAT as a freshman and got really high in Verbal (like 600) and Writing but I failed math so hard...I got 300.
And heres the killer. You get about 200 points for filling in your name and I got 300.....
I feel sick.
I sware I just might jump off something if I don't pass this damn test.
I wish I was Sylar from Heroes. Id fucking sap out the damn test info from the damn head of the regents team leader themself.
Or if I could Mindread....Id fucking mind rape all the smart people and get a perfect score on everything.
I want to be perfect....
and now it's do or die.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Failure...
If I haven't already said it, I chickened out compeatly when I went to go get the Alli.
I had the money ready but I kept thinking about the side effects over and over. All the embarissing situations that might occur. I backed away.
But when really hit home was when this uber big lady, I'd say maybe 250-300+ lb and about 5'5, just pushed me aside and picked up two boxes of Alli. I was angry, so I just stormed out the store, empty handed.
Anyway that was only one thing that happened to me between a few days ago and now.
Yesterday I got stranded at a train station because my cell phone had been cut off due to a $500 past balance...
My dad keeps blaming me for the bill and I keep telling him that I don't use the phone. We share a 750 min Family plan with my mother and I only use about 15min of that amount each month. Since I have Iphone I have to get texts and internet too but even that I dont use. maybe about 30 texts out of 200 and just a few mb for internet since I only use it to use the maps feature.(I get lost very easily.) It makes me so mad. He's always looking through my call history seeing whos calling me and who Im calling or texting. He's even gone so far as to call my firends to ask them things about me. Like where I was when and when, who I was with..I hate that! He's the one running up the bill but blaming it on me! If I had a job and some money I'd pay for my own damn service...
But anyway, My dads in St.Kitts right now so as soon as I got home after paying a $40 cab, I called him and got mad. He imediatly gave me his credit card number and I paid off the entire bill.
and then I ordered for the new iPhone3Gs 32gb...
Im bad I know but really Im so fucking stressed with school...I always hated it but now my hate has intensified 10 fold.
Well, I love my classic iphone but yeah......It's classic now, and Im trying to be someone new. It's time to move on.
By the way I hate all the people who have iphone but don't jailbreak it. Why the fuck would you go get such a high class phone and not unlock its true potential. People like that are nothing but posers trying to look cool and fit in.
Oh look I have the basic black background...
Well guess what bitch I have a pink offical Coach background complete with icons and custom lock sound and my App are in beautiful categories so my home page looks super beautiful and neat. I also have hundreds of ringtones and additional theams and one of a kind cases that you will never get because your a poser.
I have plans for my 3Gs. with a bigger hard drive and better processors I can do alot more with it than with my classic so we'll se what goes on.
I sound so hatefull but really, I hate that iPhone is so avaiable now to people who don't know what to do with it. Apple or the Dev team (God bless them) should have some training cources on how to unlock your iPhones full potential...
Anyway I live in NYC so I have two major apple stores near by me. I should of opted to go pick up the phone but yeah...I just felt like incuring that $10 rush shipping charge. Im expecting my phone Tomorrow. Then Saturday is Ben's birthday thingy. I plan on viedo taping him a bit and taking pictures. I want someting new and compleatly my own to look at when ever I want. I want something to inspire me to become thin and beautiful so that he could take me into his arms again. I want him to look at me in a few months time and fall in love with me again. I want him to wonder why on Earth he chose someone else. I want him to forgive me of everything I did because of my beauty. I want to be his tiny little dancer, his thropy girl.
I want to be his.
People always compliment me and David when we walk around. They always say that he's such a lucky guy to have a girl like me and girls coo over his looks. It's nice but I don't feel any diffrent around David. We say we're boyfriend and girlfriend but we may as well be strangers. In Ben and mines eariler days people often thought that we were a power couple. Admitedly Ben doesn't score as high as David does on the handsomeness scale but his personality more than makes up for it. All our friends loved to comment on how we looked together. The mean looking Korean guy and the gourgous Black girl. Actually Ben hated pictures before we met because he never looked good in them but everyone has said that when ever he took a picture with me he looked like a totality diffrent person. Like one of thouse hot Asian Boys on tv and magazine with the killer smile and sexy hair.
Man Im so screwed up.
I hate my self...
All I want in my life right now is Ben, but apperently Im not worthy of him.
I have to do something.....I have to lose this fucking wieght. I'll die if I don't
I started a food journal to track what I eat and when. The idea is good but what I write down isn't...I've become more counsious as too what I eat and when.
In fact I made a whole pack of Hi chew last me 2 days in stead of 20 minutes. Thats an acomplishment in it's self..Infact I still have enough left over from that same pack for tomorrow. 3 days.
Im thinking of fasting. Mainly because I've uncousiously have done it in the past. surviving for months on just water and crackers and fruit. I never thought I was fasting all I knew was that this was all my body craved. Im going to start a month long detox in October. Im siging up for Yoag classes and then going on the fast. It will be hard but everyday I dream of that perfect body and so help me God I'm going to come closer to it every day.
I had the money ready but I kept thinking about the side effects over and over. All the embarissing situations that might occur. I backed away.
But when really hit home was when this uber big lady, I'd say maybe 250-300+ lb and about 5'5, just pushed me aside and picked up two boxes of Alli. I was angry, so I just stormed out the store, empty handed.
Anyway that was only one thing that happened to me between a few days ago and now.
Yesterday I got stranded at a train station because my cell phone had been cut off due to a $500 past balance...
My dad keeps blaming me for the bill and I keep telling him that I don't use the phone. We share a 750 min Family plan with my mother and I only use about 15min of that amount each month. Since I have Iphone I have to get texts and internet too but even that I dont use. maybe about 30 texts out of 200 and just a few mb for internet since I only use it to use the maps feature.(I get lost very easily.) It makes me so mad. He's always looking through my call history seeing whos calling me and who Im calling or texting. He's even gone so far as to call my firends to ask them things about me. Like where I was when and when, who I was with..I hate that! He's the one running up the bill but blaming it on me! If I had a job and some money I'd pay for my own damn service...
But anyway, My dads in St.Kitts right now so as soon as I got home after paying a $40 cab, I called him and got mad. He imediatly gave me his credit card number and I paid off the entire bill.
and then I ordered for the new iPhone3Gs 32gb...
Im bad I know but really Im so fucking stressed with school...I always hated it but now my hate has intensified 10 fold.
Well, I love my classic iphone but yeah......It's classic now, and Im trying to be someone new. It's time to move on.
By the way I hate all the people who have iphone but don't jailbreak it. Why the fuck would you go get such a high class phone and not unlock its true potential. People like that are nothing but posers trying to look cool and fit in.
Oh look I have the basic black background...
Well guess what bitch I have a pink offical Coach background complete with icons and custom lock sound and my App are in beautiful categories so my home page looks super beautiful and neat. I also have hundreds of ringtones and additional theams and one of a kind cases that you will never get because your a poser.
I have plans for my 3Gs. with a bigger hard drive and better processors I can do alot more with it than with my classic so we'll se what goes on.
I sound so hatefull but really, I hate that iPhone is so avaiable now to people who don't know what to do with it. Apple or the Dev team (God bless them) should have some training cources on how to unlock your iPhones full potential...
Anyway I live in NYC so I have two major apple stores near by me. I should of opted to go pick up the phone but yeah...I just felt like incuring that $10 rush shipping charge. Im expecting my phone Tomorrow. Then Saturday is Ben's birthday thingy. I plan on viedo taping him a bit and taking pictures. I want someting new and compleatly my own to look at when ever I want. I want something to inspire me to become thin and beautiful so that he could take me into his arms again. I want him to look at me in a few months time and fall in love with me again. I want him to wonder why on Earth he chose someone else. I want him to forgive me of everything I did because of my beauty. I want to be his tiny little dancer, his thropy girl.
I want to be his.
People always compliment me and David when we walk around. They always say that he's such a lucky guy to have a girl like me and girls coo over his looks. It's nice but I don't feel any diffrent around David. We say we're boyfriend and girlfriend but we may as well be strangers. In Ben and mines eariler days people often thought that we were a power couple. Admitedly Ben doesn't score as high as David does on the handsomeness scale but his personality more than makes up for it. All our friends loved to comment on how we looked together. The mean looking Korean guy and the gourgous Black girl. Actually Ben hated pictures before we met because he never looked good in them but everyone has said that when ever he took a picture with me he looked like a totality diffrent person. Like one of thouse hot Asian Boys on tv and magazine with the killer smile and sexy hair.
Man Im so screwed up.
I hate my self...
All I want in my life right now is Ben, but apperently Im not worthy of him.
I have to do something.....I have to lose this fucking wieght. I'll die if I don't
I started a food journal to track what I eat and when. The idea is good but what I write down isn't...I've become more counsious as too what I eat and when.
In fact I made a whole pack of Hi chew last me 2 days in stead of 20 minutes. Thats an acomplishment in it's self..Infact I still have enough left over from that same pack for tomorrow. 3 days.
Im thinking of fasting. Mainly because I've uncousiously have done it in the past. surviving for months on just water and crackers and fruit. I never thought I was fasting all I knew was that this was all my body craved. Im going to start a month long detox in October. Im siging up for Yoag classes and then going on the fast. It will be hard but everyday I dream of that perfect body and so help me God I'm going to come closer to it every day.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Choices
Well I guess that I am after all a big chicken when it comes to weight
loss pills....
loss pills....
Well that and I was just to tiered to care.
My day is so packed. I have no lunch any more so I'm just going from
class to class. Admitedly this is much better for me in the long run
but still I'm so tiered by the time I get home I just fall in my bed
and not care till about 2 in the morning when I wake again. Very
fustrating.
I keep telling my self that it's for a good purpose. I'm going to
graduate early and never have to do this again. Plus if I distract my
self I won't have to eat or worry about when I'm going to see my
friends or anything.
I guess this is what I've been aiming for all along.
But it's hard.
So very hard...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I need an Alli..
So with The New York Anime Festival comming up and me friggin GAINING instead of losing weight, I've decided not to go as Fran of Final Fantasy. That and I havn't finished my costume. XD.
Im just going to go as a generic Lolita and save Fran for next year. Plus One of my friends has enlisted me in her Final Fantasy Group so Im not going to be the only FF character there. I can't wait for then. So much fun to be had!!
Anyway, I think that Im going to start useing Alli, the weight loss pill. I wanted to use it in the past but Im super scared of the side effects that happen if you mess up but then again thats good. It punishes you for screwing up. I think I need that.
So tomorrow Im going to go and buy it after school and hope for the best. I've been reading reviews and I've estimated that for the first week I can reasonable expect to loose about 2-5lb which would be good. Naturally I can loose and/or gain 5 to 10lbs in a week so I think it will work out well. Maybe I can get to a size 6-7us by my birthday. 3 months starting from October. Or maybe I'll get to my beloved 4! But truthfully I think that inches are more inportant for me right now.
I need to get my waist from 30 to at least 27 and my chest to a 35 from 41. I really don't don't about my hips but my ideal is 35 or less. I have a true hourglass figure and I'd like to keep it that way. I wonder if I can get my waist to 20in?
That would be great measurments. 30-20-30. All nice and evenly spaced. I'd love to be equivalent to the golden ratio. Now thats perfection.
The Golden Ratio. beautiful, perfect..........
So anyway, a few months ago I went to the hair dresser with damanged sholder length hair and came out severly depressed with hair that didn't even touch my neck. It's grown some since but Im still so depressed about it. For Years I've been trying to get my hair to grow and now I've been set back so much. I bought a whole bunch of books on haircare and so far I've been following them and getting improvements. For one My hair is much MUCH softer than it usually is. It doesn't tangle anymore when I wash it. In fact it doesn't tangle period. It also behaves very well in terms of styling. My hair is permed so I can easily tell when its growning. I think I got about an inch or two of growth this month but Im struggling to keep it. I don't want to perm my hair too often but I also don't want it to fall off. I really wish my mom never permed my hair when I was small. If it was natural I wouldn't have to worry about it as much. But lately I've been wearing wigs to protect my hair from the elements and also to conseal any hair treatments I like to leave in my hair all day. I have a super big and curly one I wear when I have leave in treatments so that It doesn't look odd or anything. I just secure with pins and tadaa! I think I might invest in a lace wig but I fear for my hair line... That glue pulling on your hair line just can't be good in the long run. But for special occasions, like when I know my boyfriend is going to put his hands in my hair, a good lace wig would be nice.
Oh, did I mention I have a hair fetish? I love hair. Espically all natural hair free of product and chemicals. Ben my crush often let me run my hands through his hair and stratch his scalp and basically just mess it up but only because his hair always just falls back into place. Ben is Korean and his hair is beautiful. I often threaten to cut off his hair and make a wig of it. Haha. I miss that with him. It's not the same when I play with David, my boyfriends hair. David's Peruvian and his hair is just all soft and shiny but If I mess with it too much it becomes a mess and tangles. I want to tell him to take care of his hair but he's only now figuring out how to care for it himself so I just back off.
Did I mention that my hair is super soft and lovely now that I've been careing for it?
It's hard but Im going to try. I want waist length hair or longer and Im going to get it!
School for me is super hard right now because I have 10 hr classes everyday. I got the opertunity to starts school at a later time but I want to graduate early and get the hell outa my house! So Im going to suffer now in hopes and come June I'll have my nice shiny Advanced Regents Diploma. I've taken 2 languages, Chemstry and Music and Art and everything they friggin want! I've had to haggle with my guidence counsler but Im sure everythihng will be okay in the end.
I promise myself that if Alli works and I lose all the weight I want I will go buy myself this uber sexy Burberry coat I've had my eyes on for a while. It cost like $1000 but Im going to save money for every pound I drop till that day comes. In fact I'm going to buy an entire designer outfit for myself. Marc Jacobs, BCBG, Guess, LV. A Burberry coat, a MJ top and botom, BCBG shoes, Guess accessories and a LV bag...Hehe! All in small sizes!
Also Since PS3 is now $299 and Final Fantasy 14 Online is comming out next year. If I reach my first goal by then then I'll go buy it and pay for a Years subscription. ^___^ It's not pro active but hey, I want it. Im going to get Wii Strip when it comes out too so maybe I'll set that as my next goal after this...Then again in stead of elctronics maybe I should focus of clothes???
Oh well....
Ummm, I joined PoupeeGirl!!! It's basicallly a community space that where people take pic of their clothes to bulid a virtual closet. Alot of the people are very slim So I want to slim down and get some new clothes before I start posting clothes, So far I've been uploading Makeup and the such....here my link!
http://pupe.ameba.jp/profile/hOZca8Wk2OkI/
Mikami.
So I think this is long enough now so laters...
Im just going to go as a generic Lolita and save Fran for next year. Plus One of my friends has enlisted me in her Final Fantasy Group so Im not going to be the only FF character there. I can't wait for then. So much fun to be had!!
Anyway, I think that Im going to start useing Alli, the weight loss pill. I wanted to use it in the past but Im super scared of the side effects that happen if you mess up but then again thats good. It punishes you for screwing up. I think I need that.
So tomorrow Im going to go and buy it after school and hope for the best. I've been reading reviews and I've estimated that for the first week I can reasonable expect to loose about 2-5lb which would be good. Naturally I can loose and/or gain 5 to 10lbs in a week so I think it will work out well. Maybe I can get to a size 6-7us by my birthday. 3 months starting from October. Or maybe I'll get to my beloved 4! But truthfully I think that inches are more inportant for me right now.
I need to get my waist from 30 to at least 27 and my chest to a 35 from 41. I really don't don't about my hips but my ideal is 35 or less. I have a true hourglass figure and I'd like to keep it that way. I wonder if I can get my waist to 20in?
That would be great measurments. 30-20-30. All nice and evenly spaced. I'd love to be equivalent to the golden ratio. Now thats perfection.
The Golden Ratio. beautiful, perfect..........
So anyway, a few months ago I went to the hair dresser with damanged sholder length hair and came out severly depressed with hair that didn't even touch my neck. It's grown some since but Im still so depressed about it. For Years I've been trying to get my hair to grow and now I've been set back so much. I bought a whole bunch of books on haircare and so far I've been following them and getting improvements. For one My hair is much MUCH softer than it usually is. It doesn't tangle anymore when I wash it. In fact it doesn't tangle period. It also behaves very well in terms of styling. My hair is permed so I can easily tell when its growning. I think I got about an inch or two of growth this month but Im struggling to keep it. I don't want to perm my hair too often but I also don't want it to fall off. I really wish my mom never permed my hair when I was small. If it was natural I wouldn't have to worry about it as much. But lately I've been wearing wigs to protect my hair from the elements and also to conseal any hair treatments I like to leave in my hair all day. I have a super big and curly one I wear when I have leave in treatments so that It doesn't look odd or anything. I just secure with pins and tadaa! I think I might invest in a lace wig but I fear for my hair line... That glue pulling on your hair line just can't be good in the long run. But for special occasions, like when I know my boyfriend is going to put his hands in my hair, a good lace wig would be nice.
Oh, did I mention I have a hair fetish? I love hair. Espically all natural hair free of product and chemicals. Ben my crush often let me run my hands through his hair and stratch his scalp and basically just mess it up but only because his hair always just falls back into place. Ben is Korean and his hair is beautiful. I often threaten to cut off his hair and make a wig of it. Haha. I miss that with him. It's not the same when I play with David, my boyfriends hair. David's Peruvian and his hair is just all soft and shiny but If I mess with it too much it becomes a mess and tangles. I want to tell him to take care of his hair but he's only now figuring out how to care for it himself so I just back off.
Did I mention that my hair is super soft and lovely now that I've been careing for it?
It's hard but Im going to try. I want waist length hair or longer and Im going to get it!
School for me is super hard right now because I have 10 hr classes everyday. I got the opertunity to starts school at a later time but I want to graduate early and get the hell outa my house! So Im going to suffer now in hopes and come June I'll have my nice shiny Advanced Regents Diploma. I've taken 2 languages, Chemstry and Music and Art and everything they friggin want! I've had to haggle with my guidence counsler but Im sure everythihng will be okay in the end.
I promise myself that if Alli works and I lose all the weight I want I will go buy myself this uber sexy Burberry coat I've had my eyes on for a while. It cost like $1000 but Im going to save money for every pound I drop till that day comes. In fact I'm going to buy an entire designer outfit for myself. Marc Jacobs, BCBG, Guess, LV. A Burberry coat, a MJ top and botom, BCBG shoes, Guess accessories and a LV bag...Hehe! All in small sizes!
Also Since PS3 is now $299 and Final Fantasy 14 Online is comming out next year. If I reach my first goal by then then I'll go buy it and pay for a Years subscription. ^___^ It's not pro active but hey, I want it. Im going to get Wii Strip when it comes out too so maybe I'll set that as my next goal after this...Then again in stead of elctronics maybe I should focus of clothes???
Oh well....
Ummm, I joined PoupeeGirl!!! It's basicallly a community space that where people take pic of their clothes to bulid a virtual closet. Alot of the people are very slim So I want to slim down and get some new clothes before I start posting clothes, So far I've been uploading Makeup and the such....here my link!
http://pupe.ameba.jp/profile/hOZca8Wk2OkI/
Mikami.
So I think this is long enough now so laters...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I want them to love me.
.........
So school Starts today...well Physical School, I've been doing online school since mid August. My goal is to finish this school year.
But I also have another goal now.
I want to be a size 4 by the time school closes.
I measured my waist and pulled the tape very tightly around to see how small my waist could be and I got 26in. My normal waist is a 30 but that tight number got me thinking. I could do it.
My chest I hope will shrink. Im a 36D now. It'd be nice If I could drop to a C cup, or a B!
I think that a B cup is the most versatile cup size to have. I mean You can have a chest when you want it and get ride of it when you don't!!
Also It'd be easier to make my Fran Cosplay if I was a B cup.
My hips however, Im not too sure will shrink......their 41in......A size 4 has a 36in hip...What to do?
I console my self that at one point in my life I was a size 6. If I can be a 6, then 4 isn't too much. Then we'll see where I go from there.
Also I have some happy news. I have a boyfriend now. A Real Boyfriend. Not some guy only wanting sex but a real guy who wants my mind. Im so blissful but....
He's my crushes best friend.
Crush....I can't give him a better name now. He doesn't care about me like I do him. I screwed up with him so he's no longer interested and now has a girlfriend who might I add is waaaaaay heavier than me, shorter than me, more artistic than me...well no... NO!
I'm trying to make it a point to tell myself that I am better than everyone. I know I am and people around me know but don't want to acknoledge it. I am, I am, I am.
My Trainer told me last week that He underestimated me. He said that I was very strong but I wasn't using my mucles. He said I could loose the weight. He said I could be my own dream me.
My crush is Asian, Korean. Most Asians have small bone structures so I kinda thought he'd be into that seeing as his last girlfriend was sorta on the thin but saggy side. But I don't know anymore. I try not to worry about it. I try not to worry about him. He's enjoying his life so I'll just have to enjoy mine.
But I think about it. Especially since his Birthday is on the 19. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to go to his birthday. Hell Im not even sure I want to. It's just that he made this note on Facebook and didn't tag me like he usually does in diffrent things and it hurt me. It's so stupid but it really hurt me. I didn't say anything, but he did add me later on and sent me an invite to the event but that first offence hurt and had me doubting. Im such a fool.
Me the Capricorn and he the Virgo. Even the Stars say we were ment to be! And Damn it we used to talk alot and be on the same page. We'd bother each other (in a good way), annoy each other, love and just connect on so many levels. But I was stupid and I got too excited and I scared him off.
He used to hold me, and lift me up. I always though I was too heavy but he always said that he was strong enough and he was. I loved that. I hate when people lift me but I loved when he did it.
Sometimes I think I love him. In fact I think I do. but what can I do.
I love my boyfriend. Although I would have slightly perfered my crushes other best friend before in place of him, it doesn't matter now. Me and my boyfriend have so much in common..So much in fact it scares me.
We're both Capricorns to start. We both love learning and have a goal of learning as many languages as we can in this life and we're both distant. We talk once in a while and don't see each other often. In fact this is the first time I'm seeing him in over a month.
I don't think that a good thing so I try to talk to him every other day but it takes a while for him to respond and I cry.
I have issues with things like that. I drove my crush away because I wanted to be with him too much, wanted to talk to him too much. I don't want to drive my boyfriend away because of the oposite....Im trying to be balanced.
Im trying to be good.
Im trying so hard with everything but I don't know whats going on....
Anyway, my A1C level droped from 15/16 to 12 which is good. I need to get it to 5/6 but I keep thinking at what cost.
It is So fucking hard to loose any weight when you diabetic. It's the insulin. It loves fat, it wants to keep it and destroy you. Your left with an ultramatium, Loose weight and be sick or be fat and healthy...It's only thouse few people that get that balance and keep it for life. Not a few years but life.....
I have iphone Classic and I tried to get Iphone 3Gs today but Fucking Apple and At&T Rejected me saying my dad had an over due bill so so phone for me...I bearly use my phone. in an avarage month I used 30 out of 200 text and 15 out of 700 mintues + thousands of roll over minutes that just expire each month....Don't even get me started on internet........In short, I used my phone for the music and apps. Id get a touch but Its more conviniate to have the phone as well.
*sigh* What a week, what a summer....I just want School to end so I can have my first summer to myself. No parents, no loves no nothing just me.
In fact for my birthday Im skipping school and going to a damn Spa.
So school Starts today...well Physical School, I've been doing online school since mid August. My goal is to finish this school year.
But I also have another goal now.
I want to be a size 4 by the time school closes.
I measured my waist and pulled the tape very tightly around to see how small my waist could be and I got 26in. My normal waist is a 30 but that tight number got me thinking. I could do it.
My chest I hope will shrink. Im a 36D now. It'd be nice If I could drop to a C cup, or a B!
I think that a B cup is the most versatile cup size to have. I mean You can have a chest when you want it and get ride of it when you don't!!
Also It'd be easier to make my Fran Cosplay if I was a B cup.
My hips however, Im not too sure will shrink......their 41in......A size 4 has a 36in hip...What to do?
I console my self that at one point in my life I was a size 6. If I can be a 6, then 4 isn't too much. Then we'll see where I go from there.
Also I have some happy news. I have a boyfriend now. A Real Boyfriend. Not some guy only wanting sex but a real guy who wants my mind. Im so blissful but....
He's my crushes best friend.
Crush....I can't give him a better name now. He doesn't care about me like I do him. I screwed up with him so he's no longer interested and now has a girlfriend who might I add is waaaaaay heavier than me, shorter than me, more artistic than me...well no... NO!
I'm trying to make it a point to tell myself that I am better than everyone. I know I am and people around me know but don't want to acknoledge it. I am, I am, I am.
My Trainer told me last week that He underestimated me. He said that I was very strong but I wasn't using my mucles. He said I could loose the weight. He said I could be my own dream me.
My crush is Asian, Korean. Most Asians have small bone structures so I kinda thought he'd be into that seeing as his last girlfriend was sorta on the thin but saggy side. But I don't know anymore. I try not to worry about it. I try not to worry about him. He's enjoying his life so I'll just have to enjoy mine.
But I think about it. Especially since his Birthday is on the 19. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to go to his birthday. Hell Im not even sure I want to. It's just that he made this note on Facebook and didn't tag me like he usually does in diffrent things and it hurt me. It's so stupid but it really hurt me. I didn't say anything, but he did add me later on and sent me an invite to the event but that first offence hurt and had me doubting. Im such a fool.
Me the Capricorn and he the Virgo. Even the Stars say we were ment to be! And Damn it we used to talk alot and be on the same page. We'd bother each other (in a good way), annoy each other, love and just connect on so many levels. But I was stupid and I got too excited and I scared him off.
He used to hold me, and lift me up. I always though I was too heavy but he always said that he was strong enough and he was. I loved that. I hate when people lift me but I loved when he did it.
Sometimes I think I love him. In fact I think I do. but what can I do.
I love my boyfriend. Although I would have slightly perfered my crushes other best friend before in place of him, it doesn't matter now. Me and my boyfriend have so much in common..So much in fact it scares me.
We're both Capricorns to start. We both love learning and have a goal of learning as many languages as we can in this life and we're both distant. We talk once in a while and don't see each other often. In fact this is the first time I'm seeing him in over a month.
I don't think that a good thing so I try to talk to him every other day but it takes a while for him to respond and I cry.
I have issues with things like that. I drove my crush away because I wanted to be with him too much, wanted to talk to him too much. I don't want to drive my boyfriend away because of the oposite....Im trying to be balanced.
Im trying to be good.
Im trying so hard with everything but I don't know whats going on....
Anyway, my A1C level droped from 15/16 to 12 which is good. I need to get it to 5/6 but I keep thinking at what cost.
It is So fucking hard to loose any weight when you diabetic. It's the insulin. It loves fat, it wants to keep it and destroy you. Your left with an ultramatium, Loose weight and be sick or be fat and healthy...It's only thouse few people that get that balance and keep it for life. Not a few years but life.....
I have iphone Classic and I tried to get Iphone 3Gs today but Fucking Apple and At&T Rejected me saying my dad had an over due bill so so phone for me...I bearly use my phone. in an avarage month I used 30 out of 200 text and 15 out of 700 mintues + thousands of roll over minutes that just expire each month....Don't even get me started on internet........In short, I used my phone for the music and apps. Id get a touch but Its more conviniate to have the phone as well.
*sigh* What a week, what a summer....I just want School to end so I can have my first summer to myself. No parents, no loves no nothing just me.
In fact for my birthday Im skipping school and going to a damn Spa.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Chewing Gum?
Now Im not really a gum chewer but recently I just bought a mega pack of Orbit chewing gum. I did some reasearch and I found that chewing gum can help curb hunger. I haven't really eaten all day. I've just been chewing gum...and its low in calories?????
Folks I think we have a winner because it's also sugarfree. yum!
Folks I think we have a winner because it's also sugarfree. yum!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
For once Im blaming them and not me....
So Im making brownies for the boyfriend -if I can call him that- who leaving tomorrow to go to a sleepover party with the rest of my friends....
Its my teen years absolutely gone before my eyes. In fact Im not even sure I'll be able to see him off tomorrow. Thanks to the parents.
I've been given a new stupid fucked up answer as to why I can't step out of my front porch.
"You can't go anywhere because you might get sick."
I hate them, Im sorry, but I've been taking verbal abuse from them for too long and Im at the edge. I can't deal with it. I just can't but they've got wha they wanted already if they even wanted it. All my friends are rapidly drifting away from me now due to school, jobs and everything else that comes with adulthood. I accept thous things but I want to be able to spend what little time we have together every now and then. This sleepover was one of them and now I don't know.
For sometime now all I've been doing is biding my time till I can get a job and a place of my own. I don't want to be obigated to them anymore. If it comes to it I'll pay for school myself just to get rid of them.
Right now, Im trying not to spend any of my money but instead Im spending all of theirs. Yesterday I went into Macy's relling the mom Im only getting one shirt and then instead I got about 5-6. I would have gotton more but then she said for me to pay for them and she'll give me back the money but I don't believe her. So I droped the extra shirts.
The mom is also the one making me fat. At one point I was 160 and going down and she got mad and said for me not to loos anymore weight..WHAT!!!! but it all went downhill from there. and she kept forcing me to eat and I went up to 190....Sadist day of my life.....Thankfully Im down to 170+...but Im not happy....I want to see my self at 140...then at 120.....but I can't...she forces me to eat all the damn day and I can't escape......the dad changed the locks of my door and I know he has the other key....I know that its so he can barge into my room whenever......I hate it...
I want to see the boyfriend tomorrow before he goes.. I bought him a cute bear from France and chocolate pocky and now brownies for him to munch on...He's so thin and adorable. I wonder everyday why he chose me. but Im scared. Im not sure if I should call him my boyfriend to his face. All my friend say that were Married but Im scared. I want him to say it to me. To tell me that Im his girlfriend. It's just that I've been used by so manny in the past that I just want to hear confimation. I want him to send me the facebook request to change my relationship status...I don't want to be the dominate one in the relationship.. I just want to be his tiny litte dancer girl who do anything for him because he unlike so many others is just a good guy hands down.
Its my teen years absolutely gone before my eyes. In fact Im not even sure I'll be able to see him off tomorrow. Thanks to the parents.
I've been given a new stupid fucked up answer as to why I can't step out of my front porch.
"You can't go anywhere because you might get sick."
I hate them, Im sorry, but I've been taking verbal abuse from them for too long and Im at the edge. I can't deal with it. I just can't but they've got wha they wanted already if they even wanted it. All my friends are rapidly drifting away from me now due to school, jobs and everything else that comes with adulthood. I accept thous things but I want to be able to spend what little time we have together every now and then. This sleepover was one of them and now I don't know.
For sometime now all I've been doing is biding my time till I can get a job and a place of my own. I don't want to be obigated to them anymore. If it comes to it I'll pay for school myself just to get rid of them.
Right now, Im trying not to spend any of my money but instead Im spending all of theirs. Yesterday I went into Macy's relling the mom Im only getting one shirt and then instead I got about 5-6. I would have gotton more but then she said for me to pay for them and she'll give me back the money but I don't believe her. So I droped the extra shirts.
The mom is also the one making me fat. At one point I was 160 and going down and she got mad and said for me not to loos anymore weight..WHAT!!!! but it all went downhill from there. and she kept forcing me to eat and I went up to 190....Sadist day of my life.....Thankfully Im down to 170+...but Im not happy....I want to see my self at 140...then at 120.....but I can't...she forces me to eat all the damn day and I can't escape......the dad changed the locks of my door and I know he has the other key....I know that its so he can barge into my room whenever......I hate it...
I want to see the boyfriend tomorrow before he goes.. I bought him a cute bear from France and chocolate pocky and now brownies for him to munch on...He's so thin and adorable. I wonder everyday why he chose me. but Im scared. Im not sure if I should call him my boyfriend to his face. All my friend say that were Married but Im scared. I want him to say it to me. To tell me that Im his girlfriend. It's just that I've been used by so manny in the past that I just want to hear confimation. I want him to send me the facebook request to change my relationship status...I don't want to be the dominate one in the relationship.. I just want to be his tiny litte dancer girl who do anything for him because he unlike so many others is just a good guy hands down.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Back From Europe
So I've just com back from Europe where the sizes are dramaticly smaller there...My US size 8 was nowhere close to the UK Size 8. I was more like an 16-18 UK size. I hate the US Vanity Sizes. My mom kept making me eat eat eat eat eat!!! Everyone kept making me eat. I friggin gained weight! Im so angry and pissed off. But now I have a new goal. Forget US sizes, I want to be at least a UK 8 which is a US 4, then I'll see what happens after that.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
[Weight & Food Diary]
Today's Weight:
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: Pancakes, eggs
Lunch:
Dinner: Banquet Chicken nugget meal
Snacks (All Day): 2 packs Hi Chew
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total: 850
+____________________________________________________+
Hmmm, good day today..well more so avarage...Im not big on eating lunch so my main meal are always breakfast and dinner but i do alot of snacks in between....Im trying to ease myself into the ABC diet rather than just jump into it. However tomorrow Im runing my dinner by eating my beloved Chicken gyro...well not really..It's about 200 cal which is not bad for the size. I can fit it in but that means no Hi Chew. Today would have been around 450 cal if not for the Hi chew so boo~
Today's Weight:
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: Pancakes, eggs
Lunch:
Dinner: Banquet Chicken nugget meal
Snacks (All Day): 2 packs Hi Chew
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total: 850
+____________________________________________________+
Hmmm, good day today..well more so avarage...Im not big on eating lunch so my main meal are always breakfast and dinner but i do alot of snacks in between....Im trying to ease myself into the ABC diet rather than just jump into it. However tomorrow Im runing my dinner by eating my beloved Chicken gyro...well not really..It's about 200 cal which is not bad for the size. I can fit it in but that means no Hi Chew. Today would have been around 450 cal if not for the Hi chew so boo~
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Reasons Survey
PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[?] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 100 lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia
I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[]x I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.
FAMILY
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT
[] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I've had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest SO FAR.
[]I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat - ESP. if i ate too much or something unhealthy
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[] I've fasted
[]I've taken diet pills
[x] i've used laxatives
[] I've purged
HAVE/HAD
[] Bulimia
[] Anorexia
[] Ednos
[ ] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising
[] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion
I've done:
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Herion
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[X] I collect thinspo
[x ] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove that i have control
[] ask if I’m bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[?] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 100 lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia
I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[]x I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.
FAMILY
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT
[] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I've had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest SO FAR.
[]I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat - ESP. if i ate too much or something unhealthy
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[] I've fasted
[]I've taken diet pills
[x] i've used laxatives
[] I've purged
HAVE/HAD
[] Bulimia
[] Anorexia
[] Ednos
[ ] Orthorexia
[] Over-exercising
[] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion
I've done:
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Herion
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[X] I collect thinspo
[x ] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove that i have control
Ana Boot Camp: Overview
So, Im thinking on starting the Ana Boot Camp. 50 days? I can deal. Here are the stats
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Im not so sure about the fasting...thats gona be hard. But I can do the Calories easy. Im going to start planning my food diary right now and then I'll get back to yall with the details.. :)
___________________________________________________________+edit
SO I got this chart right that show how much I'll weigh when if I east 500 calorie a day and it sounds promising!
To be In the 140's by NYAF would be AMAZING! Id look so great as Fran, but I might have to redo my costume!!! Even better would be to be in the 120s by Christmas!!! Im look smashing for my Birthday!
I just got Calorie King Nutrition & Exercise Manager. I uses to use it on my Palm years ago but not that I use Iphone it's kinda hard. The apps they have for Ipnoe are good but nothing beats the one for Palm. THEY NEED TO GET AN IPHONE EDITION!!!!!
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
Im not so sure about the fasting...thats gona be hard. But I can do the Calories easy. Im going to start planning my food diary right now and then I'll get back to yall with the details.. :)
___________________________________________________________+edit
SO I got this chart right that show how much I'll weigh when if I east 500 calorie a day and it sounds promising!
| Day | Weight | Calories Used | Your Calorie Deficit |
| 07/21/2009 | 170.97 | 2257.11 | 1757.11 |
| 07/28/2009 | 167.47 | 2235.28 | 1735.28 |
| 08/04/2009 | 164.02 | 2213.73 | 1713.73 |
| 08/11/2009 | 160.61 | 2192.45 | 1692.45 |
| 08/18/2009 | 157.25 | 2171.42 | 1671.42 |
| 08/25/2009 | 153.92 | 2150.66 | 1650.66 |
| 09/01/2009 | 150.64 | 2130.16 | 1630.16 |
| 09/08/2009 | 147.39 | 2109.91 | 1609.91 |
| 09/15/2009 | 144.19 | 2089.92 | 1589.92 |
| 09/22/2009 | 141.03 | 2070.17 | 1570.17 |
| 09/29/2009 | 137.9 | 2050.66 | 1550.66 |
| 10/06/2009 | 134.82 | 2031.4 | 1531.4 |
| 10/13/2009 | 131.77 | 2012.38 | 1512.38 |
| 10/20/2009 | 128.76 | 1993.6 | 1493.6 |
| 10/27/2009 | 125.79 | 1975.05 | 1475.05 |
| 11/03/2009 | 122.86 | 1956.72 | 1456.72 |
| 11/10/2009 | 119.96 | 1938.63 | 1438.63 |
To be In the 140's by NYAF would be AMAZING! Id look so great as Fran, but I might have to redo my costume!!! Even better would be to be in the 120s by Christmas!!! Im look smashing for my Birthday!
I just got Calorie King Nutrition & Exercise Manager. I uses to use it on my Palm years ago but not that I use Iphone it's kinda hard. The apps they have for Ipnoe are good but nothing beats the one for Palm. THEY NEED TO GET AN IPHONE EDITION!!!!!
Motivations To Lose Weight
[Weight & Food Diary]
Today's Weight: 175
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: 4 Pancakes , 1 Egg
Lunch: N/A
Dinner: Banquet Chicken Nugget Meal
Snacks (All Day): 1 Pack Hi-Chew, Chips Ahoy! Cookies
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total: ???
+____________________________________________________+
I want to lose weight in order to:
Today's Weight: 175
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: 4 Pancakes , 1 Egg
Lunch: N/A
Dinner: Banquet Chicken Nugget Meal
Snacks (All Day): 1 Pack Hi-Chew, Chips Ahoy! Cookies
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total: ???
+____________________________________________________+
I want to lose weight in order to:
- fit into clothes better.
- feel better physically.
- satisfy someone else's request or demand.
- be more attractive to other people in general.
- be more attractive to my significant other.
- improve a certain relationship.
- inspire others to do the same.
- gain more respect or approval from others.
- start a new relationship.
- have a better self-esteem.
- relieve some of my moodiness, depression or anxiety.
- make my life feel like its going somewhere.
- have more day-to-day fun.
- be more independent.
- be less critical of myself.
- stop envying the life that others have.
- be more free of doubts and fears.
- feel more deserving of the good things I have in life.
- shed some of my shyness or discomfort around people.
- stop food from being a source of conflict in my life.
Skinny Jeans Aren't Ment For Fat People
[Weight & Food Diary]
Today's Weight:
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: Pancakes, eggs, bacon
Lunch:
Dinner: Banquest Chicken Nugget Meal
Snacks (All Day):
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total:
+____________________________________________________+
Skinny Jeans Aren't Ment For Fat People. In fact they look really bad on fat people. Just because there called Skinny Jeans doesn't mean they make you skinny. Sknny Jeans look best on their name sake..Skinny People. Im size 6-8 but I think I look kinda bad in skinny jeans...I think I'll look good in them when I reach a size 2-4 and tone down my thighs. My thighs are an major issue with me. My legs would look longer if my thighs were leaner. Im so getting lipo when I get the money.
Today's Weight:
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Todays Food
Breakfast: Pancakes, eggs, bacon
Lunch:
Dinner: Banquest Chicken Nugget Meal
Snacks (All Day):
Daily Calorie Budget: 1328
Todays Total:
+____________________________________________________+
Skinny Jeans Aren't Ment For Fat People. In fact they look really bad on fat people. Just because there called Skinny Jeans doesn't mean they make you skinny. Sknny Jeans look best on their name sake..Skinny People. Im size 6-8 but I think I look kinda bad in skinny jeans...I think I'll look good in them when I reach a size 2-4 and tone down my thighs. My thighs are an major issue with me. My legs would look longer if my thighs were leaner. Im so getting lipo when I get the money.
Terracotta Angel: An Introduction of sorts
Hello, I am Lady Strange, today that is. I have a habit of changing names often to fit who I feel like at the moment.
I usually don't revel my age anywhere but for the sake of this blog I'll tell you my age this one time, but any mention of my age outside this post done by me unless it corresponds to what was said here is a lie. Im 16 years old and 7 months...Almost 17. I was Born January 11 1993, on a Very snowy Monday. Fair of Face and all that Jazz.
Im a nice and tall 5 foot 8 inches...The Minimum Modeling Height, and yes I have been scouted many times by many agencys but most notable are Ford Models and New Faces. However My parents scoff at the idea of modeling so my hopes were shot down. However this is one reason behind my new plan. My beautiful new plan. Want to know more about it, well listen up good.
I admit it. Im fat. Im so fucking fat it's not even funny. My height and body shapes balances the fat very evenly on my body but still who the hell want to see fucking 175 pounds when they go on a scale.
I realized I had hit a low point when I hit 190 lbs. I vowed from that day on to never ever in my life weigh that much again...I looked so bad in everything. I was so fucking ugly. My atrative face couldn't save me as it did in the past because I was just so fat. Now Im 175. But years ago when I first became weight consious. I went on a special program. I forgot how much I weighed but I went from a size 16 to a 6 and weighed 160 lbs at the end of it and I was in bliss. People have no idea how it feels to not have all that fat dragging you down.
Well anyway, the program ended and I ended up gaining 10 pounds and then yo-yoing between 160 and 170 since that point. I haven't weighed over 180 for a long while and I'll tell you this much the day I do or even get close, I'll do what ever it takes to get rid of it...fast.
Because of my frame and height I've set 2 goals to reach. First off I want to get from my curent weight to 150 lbs. If I feel happy at 150 Lbs (which I doubt) I'll drop to between 120-140 and thats it. My body has beautiful curves that I like so I don't want to be too skinny and lose them but I want to weigh less than my boyfriend. I want to be able to wear his clothes and have them fall off me, I want him to be able to just sweep me up instead of making an effort. Haha, that is when I get a boyfriend. Im single currently but thats not gona be for long if I have my way.
Im also a diabetic, so a big factor in why it's 10x harder for me to loose weight is because of the insulin. It make you gain and hold weight. I was very depressed about taking insulin at first, to the point that I just stopped taking it and then Out of now where I lost alot of weight. I found this out by accident but then when I reasearched it more I found out that alot of people reduse their insulin in order to lose weight..Now it's actually a bad thing to do and has very bad side effects that even I had to go through but when you see how nice you look in the mirror it just washes all that away.
Im bad, I hate needles so I don't take my insulin as I should. Im trying too but after years of neglect it;s a hard habit to kick. Im scared of gaining weight, but I also hate insulin reactions. So now Im trying to eat low sugar foods so I don't have to take insulin so often. My A1C Level is 15 and thats really bad. Im trying to get it to a low end normal range buy this time Next year. I don't want complications. I now have my reason to live.
I have though of dieing. I even tried to over dose on insulin but these are stories for another time. My new reason to live is that Im almost free from my parents, I gona be able to get a boyfriend soon, collage, and so much more.
Now, Im a bad blogger. I don't update like I should and what not like I used to do in the past. But I want to make this blog work for me. I have too! This is my life!
I named this blog "Teach Me How To Drown" after I beautiful picture I saw by a person nicknamed Blue Black on DeviantArt with the same title. I can't find it anymore but gosh that picture changed me.
Im also aware of the song by Unto Ashes but eh...My focus is on the picture. If you ahppen to have a copy saved on your drive....Get to contact with me and please send it to me...
I'll tell you more about me later but right now Im sleepy. I should also tell you that Im a Vampire. Fangs and All.. Rarw!
~Lady Strange, Your Terracotta Angel.
I usually don't revel my age anywhere but for the sake of this blog I'll tell you my age this one time, but any mention of my age outside this post done by me unless it corresponds to what was said here is a lie. Im 16 years old and 7 months...Almost 17. I was Born January 11 1993, on a Very snowy Monday. Fair of Face and all that Jazz.
Im a nice and tall 5 foot 8 inches...The Minimum Modeling Height, and yes I have been scouted many times by many agencys but most notable are Ford Models and New Faces. However My parents scoff at the idea of modeling so my hopes were shot down. However this is one reason behind my new plan. My beautiful new plan. Want to know more about it, well listen up good.
I admit it. Im fat. Im so fucking fat it's not even funny. My height and body shapes balances the fat very evenly on my body but still who the hell want to see fucking 175 pounds when they go on a scale.
I realized I had hit a low point when I hit 190 lbs. I vowed from that day on to never ever in my life weigh that much again...I looked so bad in everything. I was so fucking ugly. My atrative face couldn't save me as it did in the past because I was just so fat. Now Im 175. But years ago when I first became weight consious. I went on a special program. I forgot how much I weighed but I went from a size 16 to a 6 and weighed 160 lbs at the end of it and I was in bliss. People have no idea how it feels to not have all that fat dragging you down.
Well anyway, the program ended and I ended up gaining 10 pounds and then yo-yoing between 160 and 170 since that point. I haven't weighed over 180 for a long while and I'll tell you this much the day I do or even get close, I'll do what ever it takes to get rid of it...fast.
Because of my frame and height I've set 2 goals to reach. First off I want to get from my curent weight to 150 lbs. If I feel happy at 150 Lbs (which I doubt) I'll drop to between 120-140 and thats it. My body has beautiful curves that I like so I don't want to be too skinny and lose them but I want to weigh less than my boyfriend. I want to be able to wear his clothes and have them fall off me, I want him to be able to just sweep me up instead of making an effort. Haha, that is when I get a boyfriend. Im single currently but thats not gona be for long if I have my way.
Im also a diabetic, so a big factor in why it's 10x harder for me to loose weight is because of the insulin. It make you gain and hold weight. I was very depressed about taking insulin at first, to the point that I just stopped taking it and then Out of now where I lost alot of weight. I found this out by accident but then when I reasearched it more I found out that alot of people reduse their insulin in order to lose weight..Now it's actually a bad thing to do and has very bad side effects that even I had to go through but when you see how nice you look in the mirror it just washes all that away.
Im bad, I hate needles so I don't take my insulin as I should. Im trying too but after years of neglect it;s a hard habit to kick. Im scared of gaining weight, but I also hate insulin reactions. So now Im trying to eat low sugar foods so I don't have to take insulin so often. My A1C Level is 15 and thats really bad. Im trying to get it to a low end normal range buy this time Next year. I don't want complications. I now have my reason to live.
I have though of dieing. I even tried to over dose on insulin but these are stories for another time. My new reason to live is that Im almost free from my parents, I gona be able to get a boyfriend soon, collage, and so much more.
Now, Im a bad blogger. I don't update like I should and what not like I used to do in the past. But I want to make this blog work for me. I have too! This is my life!
I named this blog "Teach Me How To Drown" after I beautiful picture I saw by a person nicknamed Blue Black on DeviantArt with the same title. I can't find it anymore but gosh that picture changed me.
Im also aware of the song by Unto Ashes but eh...My focus is on the picture. If you ahppen to have a copy saved on your drive....Get to contact with me and please send it to me...
I'll tell you more about me later but right now Im sleepy. I should also tell you that Im a Vampire. Fangs and All.. Rarw!
~Lady Strange, Your Terracotta Angel.
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