Want Me?

Hmm, Im like super stupid or something.....

Well anyway, Im applying for collages now.

All my life all that was drilled into me was Med School Med School Med School, your nothing without it. Your a failure, your not our child if you don't go to Med School.

Im not a doctor, I've never felt like one. I don't care about people. I...well I just want to know how they work, why they do what they do but still...I don't want to be a doctor....

Ever since I could remember I just knew that I wasn't ment to be "normal". To have a 9-5 job or whatever. I just knew that I was supossed to change the world. Big dreams yeah but I guess its what kept me somewhat sane.....

Art school did come into my head a few times but I dismissed it. I don't think I have talent for Art school at all......but My Art Teacher said I should, He told me my work was unique and that I'd do well in Art School but my stupid parents......They'll disown me if I even apply for it. Nonetheless....Im going to apply to Schools like FIT and SVA. Espicially thous two. I've taken classes at FIT so I know the area well and a few years back at a Convention a scout from SVA looked at some of my work and told me to apply when the time was right. So....I guess I have a chance. Im going to apply for NYU and Columbia even though Im pretty sure that they'll laugh at my application....

Well Somthing good that happen is that I've lost 10lb again. so Im down to 170.0...Thing is I've been eating all over the place, I was sure I'd put on weight. but yeah. I'll celebrate more when I reach 160 again....I bout my self a Marc Jacobs tote bag and the Cher mag Bag as a little reward/cheer up. I've been feeling so stressed from school. Too many fucking classes. For the past few weeks I've just been skipping classes finding excuces to come home early but I'm fucking up my grade. It seems that I started off well enough in Freshman year with tons of honors and advanced classes but now Im worst. I suck. Im failing. Im just stupid, and slow I can't keep up.

I went out with David yesterday and we went to a park in Chinatown and we ended up spending 3+ hours just makingout on a bench. I got home at like 11:00pm and my parents won't let me live it down. They honestly would rather have me locked up in my room than even sit on our own from porch. I don't understand that. First they were like "Oh I don't go anywhere" now I go everywhere hang out with bad people and all kinds of bull...Im sick of it.......They make me want to just kill myself. In fact If I didn't have my friends I'd have probably done it. I'll never tell them that though. They already think Im weird.. Haha! but in a good way, thank God.

I feel like a man around David. I mean He's way skinny like less than 120 skinny and Im just huge. and I always iniciate everything. Dates, Kisses. Im an old school kind of girl and this is just wrecking my spirt. I do mind iniciating stuff but damn it take charge!!!! Im doing all the damn work! If I don't call I won't hear from David for weeks unless hes with his friends and they mention me. and stupid Ben declaring his undying love for Danni....Im heartbroken...

Lately I've been feeling so ugly dispite the weight loss. Im addicted to Japanese Magazines now and When I read though them I just feel so sad. I can't wear any of the clothes. Too small... I want to be small enough to fit into anything but yeah.....

Im going to try the master clense diet thing and see what happens but the thing about me a lazitives is that they don't really work for me. I took some a few days ago and it would have been better if I hadn't taken it at all because nothing diffrent happened. I tried a few diffrent ones following all what the directions say and nothing.....so Im pretty sure now that it's not toxic waste or whatever making me fat but just pure fat now....:-(

On a happy note, my hair is growing. It's really growing! It's about to touch my sholders now so all these months of wigs and product have worked!!! Im now using a beautiful lace front wig which looks and feels so real. I love it but because Im not gluing it down I keep finding myself in akward situations with it.

David mainly...I was suckiling on his neck and he really really enjoyed that a bit too much and he almost took my wig off my head...So I ended up kissing him to make him stop and fixing my wig at the same time....What an experence! But a tetimony to my keeping calm in a dire situation. Haha! My hair need to grow out fast because I can't take another event like than happening....

Hmm, Im drawing up plans for my birthday. It'd be nice to hit 150lb by then.

I think I'll go have a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes......