Failure...

If I haven't already said it, I chickened out compeatly when I went to go get the Alli.

I had the money ready but I kept thinking about the side effects over and over. All the embarissing situations that might occur. I backed away.

But when really hit home was when this uber big lady, I'd say maybe 250-300+ lb and about 5'5, just pushed me aside and picked up two boxes of Alli. I was angry, so I just stormed out the store, empty handed.

Anyway that was only one thing that happened to me between a few days ago and now.

Yesterday I got stranded at a train station because my cell phone had been cut off due to a $500 past balance...

My dad keeps blaming me for the bill and I keep telling him that I don't use the phone. We share a 750 min Family plan with my mother and I only use about 15min of that amount each month. Since I have Iphone I have to get texts and internet too but even that I dont use. maybe about 30 texts out of 200 and just a few mb for internet since I only use it to use the maps feature.(I get lost very easily.) It makes me so mad. He's always looking through my call history seeing whos calling me and who Im calling or texting. He's even gone so far as to call my firends to ask them things about me. Like where I was when and when, who I was with..I hate that! He's the one running up the bill but blaming it on me! If I had a job and some money I'd pay for my own damn service...

But anyway, My dads in St.Kitts right now so as soon as I got home after paying a $40 cab, I called him and got mad. He imediatly gave me his credit card number and I paid off the entire bill.

and then I ordered for the new iPhone3Gs 32gb...

Im bad I know but really Im so fucking stressed with school...I always hated it but now my hate has intensified 10 fold.

Well, I love my classic iphone but yeah......It's classic now, and Im trying to be someone new. It's time to move on.

By the way I hate all the people who have iphone but don't jailbreak it. Why the fuck would you go get such a high class phone and not unlock its true potential. People like that are nothing but posers trying to look cool and fit in.

Oh look I have the basic black background...

Well guess what bitch I have a pink offical Coach background complete with icons and custom lock sound and my App are in beautiful categories so my home page looks super beautiful and neat. I also have hundreds of ringtones and additional theams and one of a kind cases that you will never get because your a poser.

I have plans for my 3Gs. with a bigger hard drive and better processors I can do alot more with it than with my classic so we'll se what goes on.

I sound so hatefull but really, I hate that iPhone is so avaiable now to people who don't know what to do with it. Apple or the Dev team (God bless them) should have some training cources on how to unlock your iPhones full potential...

Anyway I live in NYC so I have two major apple stores near by me. I should of opted to go pick up the phone but yeah...I just felt like incuring that $10 rush shipping charge. Im expecting my phone Tomorrow. Then Saturday is Ben's birthday thingy. I plan on viedo taping him a bit and taking pictures. I want someting new and compleatly my own to look at when ever I want. I want something to inspire me to become thin and beautiful so that he could take me into his arms again. I want him to look at me in a few months time and fall in love with me again. I want him to wonder why on Earth he chose someone else. I want him to forgive me of everything I did because of my beauty. I want to be his tiny little dancer, his thropy girl.

I want to be his.

People always compliment me and David when we walk around. They always say that he's such a lucky guy to have a girl like me and girls coo over his looks. It's nice but I don't feel any diffrent around David. We say we're boyfriend and girlfriend but we may as well be strangers. In Ben and mines eariler days people often thought that we were a power couple. Admitedly Ben doesn't score as high as David does on the handsomeness scale but his personality more than makes up for it. All our friends loved to comment on how we looked together. The mean looking Korean guy and the gourgous Black girl. Actually Ben hated pictures before we met because he never looked good in them but everyone has said that when ever he took a picture with me he looked like a totality diffrent person. Like one of thouse hot Asian Boys on tv and magazine with the killer smile and sexy hair.

Man Im so screwed up.

I hate my self...

All I want in my life right now is Ben, but apperently Im not worthy of him.

I have to do something.....I have to lose this fucking wieght. I'll die if I don't

I started a food journal to track what I eat and when. The idea is good but what I write down isn't...I've become more counsious as too what I eat and when.

In fact I made a whole pack of Hi chew last me 2 days in stead of 20 minutes. Thats an acomplishment in it's self..Infact I still have enough left over from that same pack for tomorrow. 3 days.

Im thinking of fasting. Mainly because I've uncousiously have done it in the past. surviving for months on just water and crackers and fruit. I never thought I was fasting all I knew was that this was all my body craved. Im going to start a month long detox in October. Im siging up for Yoag classes and then going on the fast. It will be hard but everyday I dream of that perfect body and so help me God I'm going to come closer to it every day.