NYAF Afterword

I think this will easier to write if I seperate it into days.

Friday:

So I ended up sitting on the train for about 4 hours before I finally got tiered and just went to the con early. Ben had offered to take me but I had to wait a while since he was comming from school so I decided against it.

I bought a $150 corset. It was so worth the money. I looked so fucking good in it. Like OMG I lost 20 lbs good.

Ben was talking to me and some people and he just happen to tell them that me and him have known each other for over 3 years now When it's only been close to a year. I was about to correct him when he suddenly just pulled me aside and asked me to go with him....I'm still wondering what the hell was going on with that...

David came late....Its not even funny how late he came....but Im glad he did. After the con while he was walking me to the train station we just made out the whole way. We even had an extended kissing session in the train station since I was reluctant to leave.

Saturday:

I had reluctantly given my pass to my pretend daughter who said she'd be at the con at 10 as did David. I got to the con at 10 and had to wait till almost 1 before they came...I was soo pissed. I borowed Ben's girfriend Dani's pass and went in to change my out fit and stuff but she was nervous about it and I understood why since I was currently going through it. Im never giving my pass away again to anyone. If you can't afford the con too bad stay home. Im really angry at my pretend daughtee though. She wanted David and me to buy her Artwork, but not just any artwork expensive full sized prints. I had wanted to buy 2 full sized prints and a few minis but because of her I ended up buying only postcard sized ones for me and 2 full sized ones for her. I just didn't want David to have to pay for her alone but I ended up paying for everything. David did try to pay but it was too late and I just ignored the money. We didn't even get to do much together besides enjoy the masquerade snuggling. Pretend daughter was right there interfering and after a while David just fell out of the mood I guess because he didn't even kiss me goodnight. I wasn't happy about that. Not at all..

I bought the skirt to my corset and wore it all day. I think even Ben liked it. He actually picked me up and spun me around and grab my waist and every little thing that we used to do in the past.

Sunday:

Went early and met Ben and Dani getting ready by the entrance. She was painting a tattoo on his neck as part of his Vampire Knight Zero cosplay. I went to go change into my Baby The Stars Shine Bright lolita dress and when I came back they were gone so I wandered around buying things. Waiting for David who was late again but also feeling sick. Everyone kept saying I looked so sad. But aside from feeling sick I just felt calm. When David arived later he told me he too wasn't feeling well that morning. We did more shopping and he even helped me to pay for a book. I bought him some pins and thats how it went......that is untill pretend daughter showed up...

I can not put this any better. Pretend Daughter was basically Cockblocking MAJORLY. Everytime I wanted to give David a little kiss she'd magically turn around and ask "What are you doing! Your scaring me!!!" ARRGG! I wanted to murder her! I don't see David often so this was our quality time and she was invading it majorly.....And what pissed me off even more was that she went a blew $60 on more art work and stuff. and Im like "So if you had money why did you make us buy all that stuff for you?" David didn't seem to mind but I was pissed. David should be spending his money on me not her. David is not her Sugar Daddy, He is suposed to be the Father figure in her life. And sure I know fathers spoil their daughter but only on occasion damn it!! Not every damn time you meet!......and definatly not in this manner.

Our group dwindled down to just Pretend daughter, another Friend, Me and David and we all just hung out and laughed and had fun but Me and David wanted to get away from them....David was soo super affectionate. I don't think he's all to comfy with PDA's but he lets me get away with little things however he was pretty much all over me regaurdless but Daughter comes in and all is lost.................At least I got a good night kiss.....


But anyway something I noticed is that I lost 8 fucking pounds from this con...8!!!!! This is just another reason why I love cons......My first con I lost about 10+ lbs in that 3 days. I wish it lasted longer so I could get this 30lb off quick...I also think the corset had some play in this loss as well...Im so happy!!!!!

Ah, It's things like this that make my life much more enjoyable....

NYAF Prequel

So I just got my ticket for NYAF like a few seconds ago.....Im actually surprised I still got it since it is technically the day of the event.

Im skipping school to go to it how ever which is proving harder by the hour. I have to leave the house at 7 to pretend Im going to school and the con doesn't even start till 1:00......I don't know what to do other than stay on the train and just go up and down till about 10-11 then go over to my favorite book store and wait...but its a too far to walk from the book store to the convention... So I just might stay on the train till about 11-12.

This is rough......thing is if I tell me parents they're just going to bitch on me about how I can't go anywhere and utter stupidness. Id didn't even want to begin so I told them I had volunteer work to do over the weekend..Can't complain about that, right?

Still its so rough...I hate this. all I want to do is cry right now. It's been such a long day.

I went from school to a college fair and only came it at about 11pm. from 6am to 11pm....Its rough.....

and Im not even fully ready for the con...I just through together some last minute stuff...Im not feeling very confidant but hopefully I'll make some new friends on my own here.

I bought a few meal replacement shakes to test out. I just can't find one I like so...well yeah...I hope these work.

Right now the only meal I have is breakfast everyday So Im trying to get as much nutrients as possible with out the calories....some of these drinks are heavy on the cals..

What to do......

Dominatrix

So My 3GS came to day but unfortunatly I got stuck with a 3.1 one so now I can't jailbreak it. On top of that I accendentaly used my dads upgrade to get the phone so now its his number on the phone but I'll think about it tomorrow.

I also got the nike + sensor. I figure since I had the shoe already I might as well get it.

I bought a size 8 dress from NY and Co and it fit like a dream on my top area however I couldn't step into it to put it on...I also noticed that my size 10 Levi's were very VERY tight.

Now I bought thouse pants very very baggy and loose so for them to be tight now is very very telling.

Im geting small on top but big on the bottom...

What to do.......

But hey It's something. I've been logging my foods and so far for the week I haven't eaten above 900 cal daily. Which is normal so I guess that means that in order to loose some serious weight I have to eat about 500-700 which is basically the ABC diet....

But I don't get it. Why am I fat if I eat less that 900 cal a day?....it's the diabetes I tell you....It loves fat. I should have been a size 0 by now. I need to do something.

Anyway I gave David a present from France and England. A Parisian Teddy Bear and British Pocky and today I got this message from him on Facebook.

Mika, I never really thanked you appropriately since you had to leave early, so I wanted to say this instead. You're a wonderful person aside from the friends we've already gotten to know and I'm sure we'll both always grow for the better. I'm keeping the Bear where I can see it so it'll remind me of you ^ ^ Bye for now.

Tears fell from my eye just to see this. It ment alot to me. David's really a great guy. I just wish that he'd be more agressive with me. Im a girly girl to the max, I don't like being tough nor do I want to be the man in the relationship. I want someone to dominate me, someone who takes charge of stuff. I can hold my own yes but Id rather not.

I want someone to pamper me forever~

But I have to loose this weight first. I have to get it away and become clean again.

It's a good thing Im getting there.

Because Pictures are worth a thousand words

My "Family" { Top Left Ben and Me, Top Right Kitteh my "daughter", Bottom Left Juju my "daughter" and Bottom Left David }


Me and Ben.


This is how it always should have been.

But I feel insecure.....everyones thinner than me. They look better than me but I guess that I'll accept it for now because one day We'll all be beautiful together.

"Your My Everything, Your All I Ever Wanted."

So I went to Ben's Party after hours of trying on Clothes, Testing out various makeup styles and fixing my hair.

It was absolutly wonderfull.

There were a few awkard moments but still they were great.

I'll start from the begining.

My mom decided to stalk me, Which had me uneasy from the start. We got to the meeting spot super early and I Starting wandering around. After a few minutes I bumped into Dani, Ben's Girlfriend. We talked and she showed me the huge (and yummy) cake she baked for him and my heart melted...

I would have done the same for him.

She also showed me the present box she made for him, it was too cute. I left her and brought my mom back to meet her and sent my mom off on her way. A few minutes pass and another one of our friends show up and we just start cracking jokes and being silly. We started talking about How my boyfriend David could be counted on to be late when hanging with friends but super early when it one on one with me. Eariler I had told him not to be late because it just made me feel sad and true to his word he arived just a minute before the offical time.

I basicly just ran and glomped him then dragged him back towards everyone with a silly grin.

Then Ben arived in his typical "Stalk me" fashion. He sat down and Dani gave him her gift which he opened quickly and here where weird moment number one occurs.

His kisses Dani smack on the lips.

Moment number 2 occurs when one of our friends makes a comment (Jokingly) that interacial couples scare him. Dani(whos white) and Ben Kiss again and Ben starts pushing for David to kiss me...

We just laughed it off..

Truth is, we'd never kissed eachother before. I've been wanting to for a while now but I never knew how to go about it with him.

So futher along more friends come and David lends me his earphones since I was too lazy to go get mine from where I left my bag and I start jamming to My favorite J-Pop band Perfume.

Now you must know, I love music. Id die without it, it shapes my world. And with my love of music come my love of dancing.

So while jaming I read out and grab 2 plushies and start making them dance with me. My friends are pretty used to my random dance move but I guess this was a whole new level for them. Ben started bothering me and telling me to put them away but I just ignored him and kept dancing. Then suddenly he just stood up and came over to me and towered over me.

I promptly took a picture of him and poked him.

He didn't say anything and then we ended up having one of our staring bouts. In the begining we used to do this alot but around the time he figured out I liked him Id just became a bit shy and backed down a bit but today I looked at him full on.

For months I told myself that if a moment like this came again that I'd tell him how sorry I was for ruining everything but nothing came. I just started blinking alot and then for a moment his eyes seemed to sparkled and I offhandedly asked if he was wearing contact lenses. We stared for a bit more and then he broke off looking a bit insecure.

Later on while we were getting ready to leave I stole a hat from one of my friends and Ben started running after me. I was going good since I had on my running shoes but then he "accidentaly" Wraped his hand around my long hair and pulled...

"Why!" was the first world I screamed before he hugged me and said "Im sorry but it's too long, it's too long, it's just blowing behind you, Im sorry"

I just stormed off and left him with the hat.

On the train when we were going to our destination I started to mess with his hair a bit. He let me and I messed with it some more and all the memories came back to me. I compared his hair from the first time I touched it to now and was just stunned at how accuratly I could tell the differance. I didn't comment on this because I was weary of him not being happy with it. Around the time we started breaking off he started getting annoyed with me touching his hair but now he really enjoyed it and he asked why I didn't ask him to mess with his hair anymore.

"Um, you didn't want me too.."

"Hn, you didn't ask..."

I just let it go and countinued on.

Now on the train one of my friends (Who I call my daughter) Tried to give me a kiss on the cheek while we were on the train and she accidentaly kissed me on the lips..We laughed it off but then she pushed mine and Davids faces together and we kissed but it was wierd and so I asked him if we could try again and he obliged. So ta da! Our first kiss after 3 months?? Oh well.

Thing is Ben was standing right in front of us when it happened and when I looked at him he promptly looked away and started calling for Dani...

Normally I don't expect hugs from Ben because he brushes me of most of the time but this time as I left the train I didn't even have to ask him. He just pulled me and hugged me.

Now, not everything I've said happen in order and there are so much else that happened that I just can't write about because it's so much but the main summery is that the feelings Ben and I shared that I thought were gone forever are still there. And In fact I saw just why he decided to hook up with Dani.

She reminds him of me.

She likes a majority of the same music as me, we both do alot of the same weird things. I actually like her, and in different circumstance I think We'd be the best of friends. but yeah....Main thing is that I can now have some hope that maybe one day We'll be together. One day we'll have our time.

I love my friends....Without them I don't know what Id do.

I gotta get through this...

Today was good. The Assiant Principal confirmed my status as a Senior so Im going to graduate in June but...

I have to pass my Math A Regents

I fucking took that test 4 times and I KEEP FAILING IT!!!

I did so well on every other one but Math is killing me!!!!!!!!

I want to be done with school!

I starved all day, sick with worry.

New York is the only state left who does this stupid exam. They keep wondering why Kids drop out like flies it because of this exam.

You really gotta be smart or crafty to go to school in New York.......

If your a guy and can afford it you can go to a special Private School that doesn't do regents in NY.

Thats where Majority of my guy friends (Ben and David included) went to.

I left Private school so that I could graduate early.

I'm looking for math tutors. I need one to crunch for the January Regents and then again for the CUNY Placement test and the SAT. Im trying to score high enough ( like a 4 for CUNY and like 500+ for SAT) so that I can forget about Math in collage.

I actually took the SAT as a freshman and got really high in Verbal (like 600) and Writing but I failed math so hard...I got 300.

And heres the killer. You get about 200 points for filling in your name and I got 300.....

I feel sick.

I sware I just might jump off something if I don't pass this damn test.

I wish I was Sylar from Heroes. Id fucking sap out the damn test info from the damn head of the regents team leader themself.

Or if I could Mindread....Id fucking mind rape all the smart people and get a perfect score on everything.

I want to be perfect....

and now it's do or die.

Failure...

If I haven't already said it, I chickened out compeatly when I went to go get the Alli.

I had the money ready but I kept thinking about the side effects over and over. All the embarissing situations that might occur. I backed away.

But when really hit home was when this uber big lady, I'd say maybe 250-300+ lb and about 5'5, just pushed me aside and picked up two boxes of Alli. I was angry, so I just stormed out the store, empty handed.

Anyway that was only one thing that happened to me between a few days ago and now.

Yesterday I got stranded at a train station because my cell phone had been cut off due to a $500 past balance...

My dad keeps blaming me for the bill and I keep telling him that I don't use the phone. We share a 750 min Family plan with my mother and I only use about 15min of that amount each month. Since I have Iphone I have to get texts and internet too but even that I dont use. maybe about 30 texts out of 200 and just a few mb for internet since I only use it to use the maps feature.(I get lost very easily.) It makes me so mad. He's always looking through my call history seeing whos calling me and who Im calling or texting. He's even gone so far as to call my firends to ask them things about me. Like where I was when and when, who I was with..I hate that! He's the one running up the bill but blaming it on me! If I had a job and some money I'd pay for my own damn service...

But anyway, My dads in St.Kitts right now so as soon as I got home after paying a $40 cab, I called him and got mad. He imediatly gave me his credit card number and I paid off the entire bill.

and then I ordered for the new iPhone3Gs 32gb...

Im bad I know but really Im so fucking stressed with school...I always hated it but now my hate has intensified 10 fold.

Well, I love my classic iphone but yeah......It's classic now, and Im trying to be someone new. It's time to move on.

By the way I hate all the people who have iphone but don't jailbreak it. Why the fuck would you go get such a high class phone and not unlock its true potential. People like that are nothing but posers trying to look cool and fit in.

Oh look I have the basic black background...

Well guess what bitch I have a pink offical Coach background complete with icons and custom lock sound and my App are in beautiful categories so my home page looks super beautiful and neat. I also have hundreds of ringtones and additional theams and one of a kind cases that you will never get because your a poser.

I have plans for my 3Gs. with a bigger hard drive and better processors I can do alot more with it than with my classic so we'll se what goes on.

I sound so hatefull but really, I hate that iPhone is so avaiable now to people who don't know what to do with it. Apple or the Dev team (God bless them) should have some training cources on how to unlock your iPhones full potential...

Anyway I live in NYC so I have two major apple stores near by me. I should of opted to go pick up the phone but yeah...I just felt like incuring that $10 rush shipping charge. Im expecting my phone Tomorrow. Then Saturday is Ben's birthday thingy. I plan on viedo taping him a bit and taking pictures. I want someting new and compleatly my own to look at when ever I want. I want something to inspire me to become thin and beautiful so that he could take me into his arms again. I want him to look at me in a few months time and fall in love with me again. I want him to wonder why on Earth he chose someone else. I want him to forgive me of everything I did because of my beauty. I want to be his tiny little dancer, his thropy girl.

I want to be his.

People always compliment me and David when we walk around. They always say that he's such a lucky guy to have a girl like me and girls coo over his looks. It's nice but I don't feel any diffrent around David. We say we're boyfriend and girlfriend but we may as well be strangers. In Ben and mines eariler days people often thought that we were a power couple. Admitedly Ben doesn't score as high as David does on the handsomeness scale but his personality more than makes up for it. All our friends loved to comment on how we looked together. The mean looking Korean guy and the gourgous Black girl. Actually Ben hated pictures before we met because he never looked good in them but everyone has said that when ever he took a picture with me he looked like a totality diffrent person. Like one of thouse hot Asian Boys on tv and magazine with the killer smile and sexy hair.

Man Im so screwed up.

I hate my self...

All I want in my life right now is Ben, but apperently Im not worthy of him.

I have to do something.....I have to lose this fucking wieght. I'll die if I don't

I started a food journal to track what I eat and when. The idea is good but what I write down isn't...I've become more counsious as too what I eat and when.

In fact I made a whole pack of Hi chew last me 2 days in stead of 20 minutes. Thats an acomplishment in it's self..Infact I still have enough left over from that same pack for tomorrow. 3 days.

Im thinking of fasting. Mainly because I've uncousiously have done it in the past. surviving for months on just water and crackers and fruit. I never thought I was fasting all I knew was that this was all my body craved. Im going to start a month long detox in October. Im siging up for Yoag classes and then going on the fast. It will be hard but everyday I dream of that perfect body and so help me God I'm going to come closer to it every day.

Choices

Well I guess that I am after all a big chicken when it comes to weight
loss pills....

Well that and I was just to tiered to care.

My day is so packed. I have no lunch any more so I'm just going from
class to class. Admitedly this is much better for me in the long run
but still I'm so tiered by the time I get home I just fall in my bed
and not care till about 2 in the morning when I wake again. Very
fustrating.

I keep telling my self that it's for a good purpose. I'm going to
graduate early and never have to do this again. Plus if I distract my
self I won't have to eat or worry about when I'm going to see my
friends or anything.

I guess this is what I've been aiming for all along.

But it's hard.

So very hard...

I need an Alli..

So with The New York Anime Festival comming up and me friggin GAINING instead of losing weight, I've decided not to go as Fran of Final Fantasy. That and I havn't finished my costume. XD.
Im just going to go as a generic Lolita and save Fran for next year. Plus One of my friends has enlisted me in her Final Fantasy Group so Im not going to be the only FF character there. I can't wait for then. So much fun to be had!!

Anyway, I think that Im going to start useing Alli, the weight loss pill. I wanted to use it in the past but Im super scared of the side effects that happen if you mess up but then again thats good. It punishes you for screwing up. I think I need that.

So tomorrow Im going to go and buy it after school and hope for the best. I've been reading reviews and I've estimated that for the first week I can reasonable expect to loose about 2-5lb which would be good. Naturally I can loose and/or gain 5 to 10lbs in a week so I think it will work out well. Maybe I can get to a size 6-7us by my birthday. 3 months starting from October. Or maybe I'll get to my beloved 4! But truthfully I think that inches are more inportant for me right now.

I need to get my waist from 30 to at least 27 and my chest to a 35 from 41. I really don't don't about my hips but my ideal is 35 or less. I have a true hourglass figure and I'd like to keep it that way. I wonder if I can get my waist to 20in?

That would be great measurments. 30-20-30. All nice and evenly spaced. I'd love to be equivalent to the golden ratio. Now thats perfection.

The Golden Ratio. beautiful, perfect..........

So anyway, a few months ago I went to the hair dresser with damanged sholder length hair and came out severly depressed with hair that didn't even touch my neck. It's grown some since but Im still so depressed about it. For Years I've been trying to get my hair to grow and now I've been set back so much. I bought a whole bunch of books on haircare and so far I've been following them and getting improvements. For one My hair is much MUCH softer than it usually is. It doesn't tangle anymore when I wash it. In fact it doesn't tangle period. It also behaves very well in terms of styling. My hair is permed so I can easily tell when its growning. I think I got about an inch or two of growth this month but Im struggling to keep it. I don't want to perm my hair too often but I also don't want it to fall off. I really wish my mom never permed my hair when I was small. If it was natural I wouldn't have to worry about it as much. But lately I've been wearing wigs to protect my hair from the elements and also to conseal any hair treatments I like to leave in my hair all day. I have a super big and curly one I wear when I have leave in treatments so that It doesn't look odd or anything. I just secure with pins and tadaa! I think I might invest in a lace wig but I fear for my hair line... That glue pulling on your hair line just can't be good in the long run. But for special occasions, like when I know my boyfriend is going to put his hands in my hair, a good lace wig would be nice.

Oh, did I mention I have a hair fetish? I love hair. Espically all natural hair free of product and chemicals. Ben my crush often let me run my hands through his hair and stratch his scalp and basically just mess it up but only because his hair always just falls back into place. Ben is Korean and his hair is beautiful. I often threaten to cut off his hair and make a wig of it. Haha. I miss that with him. It's not the same when I play with David, my boyfriends hair. David's Peruvian and his hair is just all soft and shiny but If I mess with it too much it becomes a mess and tangles. I want to tell him to take care of his hair but he's only now figuring out how to care for it himself so I just back off.

Did I mention that my hair is super soft and lovely now that I've been careing for it?

It's hard but Im going to try. I want waist length hair or longer and Im going to get it!

School for me is super hard right now because I have 10 hr classes everyday. I got the opertunity to starts school at a later time but I want to graduate early and get the hell outa my house! So Im going to suffer now in hopes and come June I'll have my nice shiny Advanced Regents Diploma. I've taken 2 languages, Chemstry and Music and Art and everything they friggin want! I've had to haggle with my guidence counsler but Im sure everythihng will be okay in the end.

I promise myself that if Alli works and I lose all the weight I want I will go buy myself this uber sexy Burberry coat I've had my eyes on for a while. It cost like $1000 but Im going to save money for every pound I drop till that day comes. In fact I'm going to buy an entire designer outfit for myself. Marc Jacobs, BCBG, Guess, LV. A Burberry coat, a MJ top and botom, BCBG shoes, Guess accessories and a LV bag...Hehe! All in small sizes!

Also Since PS3 is now $299 and Final Fantasy 14 Online is comming out next year. If I reach my first goal by then then I'll go buy it and pay for a Years subscription. ^___^ It's not pro active but hey, I want it. Im going to get Wii Strip when it comes out too so maybe I'll set that as my next goal after this...Then again in stead of elctronics maybe I should focus of clothes???

Oh well....

Ummm, I joined PoupeeGirl!!! It's basicallly a community space that where people take pic of their clothes to bulid a virtual closet. Alot of the people are very slim So I want to slim down and get some new clothes before I start posting clothes, So far I've been uploading Makeup and the such....here my link!

http://pupe.ameba.jp/profile/hOZca8Wk2OkI/

Mikami.

So I think this is long enough now so laters...

I want them to love me.

.........
So school Starts today...well Physical School, I've been doing online school since mid August. My goal is to finish this school year.

But I also have another goal now.

I want to be a size 4 by the time school closes.

I measured my waist and pulled the tape very tightly around to see how small my waist could be and I got 26in. My normal waist is a 30 but that tight number got me thinking. I could do it.

My chest I hope will shrink. Im a 36D now. It'd be nice If I could drop to a C cup, or a B!

I think that a B cup is the most versatile cup size to have. I mean You can have a chest when you want it and get ride of it when you don't!!

Also It'd be easier to make my Fran Cosplay if I was a B cup.

My hips however, Im not too sure will shrink......their 41in......A size 4 has a 36in hip...What to do?

I console my self that at one point in my life I was a size 6. If I can be a 6, then 4 isn't too much. Then we'll see where I go from there.

Also I have some happy news. I have a boyfriend now. A Real Boyfriend. Not some guy only wanting sex but a real guy who wants my mind. Im so blissful but....

He's my crushes best friend.

Crush....I can't give him a better name now. He doesn't care about me like I do him. I screwed up with him so he's no longer interested and now has a girlfriend who might I add is waaaaaay heavier than me, shorter than me, more artistic than me...well no... NO!

I'm trying to make it a point to tell myself that I am better than everyone. I know I am and people around me know but don't want to acknoledge it. I am, I am, I am.

My Trainer told me last week that He underestimated me. He said that I was very strong but I wasn't  using my mucles. He said I could loose the weight. He said I could be my own dream me.

My crush is Asian, Korean. Most Asians have small bone structures so I kinda thought he'd be into that seeing as his last girlfriend was sorta on the thin but saggy side. But I don't know anymore. I try not to worry about it. I try not to worry about him. He's enjoying his life so I'll just have to enjoy mine.

But I think about it. Especially since his Birthday is on the 19. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to go to his birthday. Hell Im not even sure I want to. It's just that he made this note on Facebook and didn't tag me like he usually does in diffrent things and it hurt me. It's so stupid but it really hurt me. I didn't say anything, but he did add me later on and sent me an invite to the event but that first offence hurt and had me doubting. Im such a fool.

Me the Capricorn and he the Virgo. Even the Stars say we were ment to be! And Damn it we used to talk alot and be on the same page. We'd bother each other (in a good way), annoy each other, love and just connect on so many levels. But I was stupid and I got too excited and I scared him off.

He used to hold me, and lift me up. I always though I was too heavy but he always said that he was strong enough and he was. I loved that. I hate when people lift me but I loved when he did it.

Sometimes I think I love him. In fact I think I do. but what can I do.

I love my boyfriend. Although I would have slightly perfered my crushes other best friend before in place of him, it doesn't matter now. Me and my boyfriend have so much in common..So much in fact it scares  me.

We're both Capricorns to start. We both love learning and have a goal of learning as many languages as we can in this life and we're both distant. We talk once in a while and don't see each other often. In fact this is the first time I'm seeing him in over a month.
I don't think that a good thing so I try to talk to him every other day but it takes a while for him to respond and I cry.

I have issues with things like that. I drove my crush away because I wanted to be with him too much, wanted to talk to him too much. I don't want to drive my boyfriend away because of the oposite....Im trying to be balanced.

Im trying to be good.

Im trying so hard with everything but I don't know whats going on....

Anyway, my A1C level droped from 15/16 to 12 which is good. I need to get it to 5/6 but I keep thinking at what cost.

It is So fucking hard to loose any weight when you diabetic. It's the insulin. It loves fat, it wants to keep it and destroy you. Your left with an ultramatium, Loose weight and be sick or be fat and healthy...It's only thouse few people that get that balance and keep it for life. Not a few years but life.....

I have iphone Classic and I tried to get Iphone 3Gs today but Fucking Apple and At&T Rejected me saying my dad had an over due bill so so phone for me...I bearly use my phone. in an avarage month I used 30 out of 200 text and 15 out of 700 mintues + thousands of roll over minutes that just expire each month....Don't even get me started on internet........In short, I used my phone for the music and apps. Id get a touch but Its more conviniate to have the phone as well.

*sigh* What a week, what a summer....I just want School to end so I can have my first summer to myself. No parents, no loves no nothing just me.

In fact for my birthday Im skipping school and going to a damn Spa.