Exodus

So...2010......

What a way we've come 2009.

The fights,

The heartaches

The loves

The hates

Oh how far we've come....

The Fear

"I want to be rich and I want lots of money.
I don`t care about clever, I don`t care about funny.
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds,
I heard people die while they are trying to find them.
Now I`m not a saint but I`m not a sinner,
Now everything is cool as long as I`m getting thinner.
And I am a weapon of massive consumption,
and its not my fault it`s how I`m program to function
I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror.
I`m on the right track yeah I`m on to a winner.
Life`s about film stars and less about mothers.
It`s all about fast cars and passing each other.
But it doesn`t matter cause I`m packing plastic
and that`s what makes my life so fucking fantastic.
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cuz I`m being taken over by The Fear"
~Lily Allen - The Fear

I can't believe it's December....My birthday is less than a month away....

Im stuck at 167lbs....This stupid problem area.....I can't lose anything!!!! Why won't it go away!

im so upset. My tummys so flabby and these stupid love handles............

I won a contest I got an invite to LOOKBOOK.NU so now I can properly stalk all the skinny people.....

I saw New Moon with David when it came out and we kinda got a bit touchy in the theater...he tried to put his hand between my thighs but the stupid things kept touching no matter how far apart I pulled them so he gave up and touched my chest instead..........Shamefull....

I think that for my birthday that Im going to get a VCH, a vertical clit hood piercing, or wait till after I have sex...im not sure.......I still want to finish my navel compass though. And I think that I'd like a nice tattoo on my side........

Urg, upsetness.

Push it.

Argg...Im down to 165 and now heres where my worries begin.....For the life of me I can't seem to reasch 159 at least....very fustrating......I struggle the most to loose any weight below 165......and when I reach that delicate 160-163 I have to fight or I'll wake up 167 again.....Stupid insulin.......


My blood sugar has jumped up for no reason but my A1C level has gone down a point! From 15 to 12 and now 11....Ha, take that you stupid sickness....I'll get you, and get you good...

I want to loose this weight soo fucking bad.....I fit losely in my size 6 jeans but I wanna wear size 4.....I wanna be pretty and thin.....

However I look at my body and I hate it....It seems like no matter how much I loose I still look so bad. Im embarased. David wants to see my belly ring but I don't want to show him..I don't want him to see these stupid ugly love handles and this portruding belly. I don't want him to touch these huge thighs.......

Viseral fat..........How the fuck do I get rid of it? The sooner the better. I want a flat tummy.

I had a dream that I was wonderously thin and beautiful with long flowing hair down my thighs......What a dream.......I want it to come true now....

I estimate from books that hair grows about 6 in every year. I told David this and said that maybe in 2 years time my hair will reach my thighs and hes now overly excited because he loves long hair.....but I see that my hair is breaking and I don't know why and Im fed up with it...I hate it.....I can't style it, I can't comb or brush it with out massive amounts of hair coming out, I can't put any product in it with out my hair getting all gummy and funny feeling....I HATE IT....

All I want is long pretty hair......

All I want is to be cute and thin and fit into thous small Asian one size only clothes without having to pull out a measuring tape and measuring to see if it will fit or not......

I saw a girl at my local mall about my height and ever so skinny...it was scary....I hated her....She complained that everything was too big for her and her shorter boyfriend just laughed and wraped his arms around her slender waist and I just wanted to throw a table at them both......

I hate that so much......

And David, God I love the boy but Damn it. Im the girl, Im suposed to be the skinny one!..

None of Davids clothes will ever fit me, and it's my dream to wear my boyfriends clothes....

I hate myself................

How do I lose this fat......?


I exersise, I eat right and little....but still....I look so bad in clothes and even worst without them.....

I just want to be beautiful......

Two Faced

Hmmm, so I learned somthing very interesting about David after having a little talk with him but before I begin I want to explain some terms that people might not get (if you know what yaoi is, high five!!!)

Yaoi- Male on Male (basically gay) comics (manga), Girl Porn
Uke- Submissive, bottom, taker
Seme- Dominant, top, giver

So me and David friends have a little joke going around that David is the uke and Im the Seme in our relationship but Lord after these few week I found out how wrong they are....So wrong....

David is fierce. Intence. not at all like a manly girl. In fact the only reason why it seems like Im the one doing everything is because if he doesn't hold him self back by acting all weak and frail he could seriously hurt someone.

This thought that David was some kind of super Seme occured after we were dry humping in Central Park (lol...), He was on top of me and fucking me so damn hard I felt like I was going to cum hard and ruin my pants (Im a heavy squirter), I loved every second of it. It was so refreshing and new compared to his relaxed "ehhh do what you want" with me on top aproach.

We talked on the phone a few days ago about it among other things. David is like the ice to my fire. Apperently as of late he's been "intoxciated by my curves" All he wants to do is touch me and just "get lost in my curves". He told me I was "cute, yet oh so hot. The perfect combination" My personality was soft and gental in general yet he knew I had a deep lusty, dark and hard side to me. He loves me and I him. Ive just come to realize how good for each other we are and just in time too. But I can't believe he even remotly finds me sexy. He told me that at first it was my personality over everything else that attracted him, it was only much, much later that he began to look at my body. I WONDER WHY..<---sarcastic tone intended.

I need to get rid of this weight. so far Im going good but I have to get better...I have to...I need to, I WANT to.

I think of all the beautiful clothes I could buy....

I think of David carrying me acrocss a feild.

I think I think, I think think think.

Anyway, Im trying to join LOOKBOOK.nu but it's been so long....Can someone please invite me?

nyan.

Dreams : A One Step Program

November. Well I ment to post on Halloween but I've been so
distracted. With a good cause.

I love Ben but after seeing the change Dani has made on him I respect
that and see that maybe it was never ment to be.

David is more so like me than I realized and I've completely fallen in
love with him. However I'm insanely jelous of his 19 inch waist and
therefore have resorted to torchering him with girl clothes. Dresses
skirts..... Haha!

Dispite my fear if weight loss pills I took a chance on some call
Japanese Ling xi(?) and went from 176lbs to 167lbs In about 2 or so
weeks and for the first time in my life I have a waist that's in the
20s..... My waist went from 33+inches to 29-28 inches my hips from
41.5 to 37 my bust from 42 to 37................. It's amazing. My
tummy is still a little big and love handels are still there but still
sometimes I can't help but stare. I look good!!!!!!! Sexy and curvy.

Subcounsiously even David has noticed as he likes to put his hands on
my waist more often now and pull me closer to him.

So much has happened between us that I'm at a loss for words.

At the rate I'm going, by the time I hit my birthday I'll be a skinny
formally virgin girl!!! Haha!!

I actually want to have sex with David, the thought came to me one
evening when me and him were together on a park bench making out and
before I knew it I was on his lap grinding like mad and moaning as he
sucked on my neck vampire style. He was very respectful and didn't
push me into anything even though I was the only one who came. The
next time we met and something like that happened I couldn't believe
how horny he made me, I started encouraging him to dry fuck me real
hard. However I didn't cum this time, I tried to give him a Blow job
and had gotton so fAr as to suck on him for a bit but it was late and
I had to go home or suffer my parents.

Yesterday now when the mood struck us again, this time in Central Park
on A partially hidden picnic table, I sucked him good untill he came
but a police officer came over at that exact moment and gave us a
warning and we fleed, embarased but fufilled. I felt a bit angry
because I had wanted him to cum in my mouth and the poliece officer
prevented that. So next time idk what's Gonna happen but either we'll
find a more secluded place or go to his home and pray his parents
don't disturb us....... Haha!!!

I like all this dry humping and all but I want his cock in me soon, I
feel whorish for saying it but that's the God honest truth. Sexually
fustrated for years and now I have a willing lover to take it all
away.......pure bliss..

Something that suprised me however was how long we've been
together.... I wasn't keeping track but he told me that it's actually
very close to a year so a little over 6-7 months.... Amazing......

Well I have alot to say but as I am typing this from my phone my hands
hurt lots now so later.....

Cute is what I aim for.

So I got my nails done in a silk wrap and got eyelash extentions today. Also about a week ago I got my eyebrows done.

In short I look good.

I think even David has taken notice that Im looking better than usual because I have 2 dates with him this week. I can't wait till he sees me tomorrow. He'll probably take me somewhere everyday next week!

Im writing college essays now and applying for financial aid. So far I'v got about $6000 under my belt. Which is 1 year of a SUNY or CUNY School, almost half for some private colleges and still $15000+ short for NYU and Columbia. I need money...

I want a job so bad, Im going broke but my parents won't let me get one..Which is stupid, you can't buy everything I want so let me go get it on my own. Whats so hard about that? Some kids would just drain your bank no care at least Im trying to be on my own....

But thats the problem, they want me with them forever and I want my own life.

They sent my cat to the pound on Friday for no reason... I wasted my whole weekend trying to get her back and when I did on Monday she had lost over 5lbs...She is easily blown over in the wind now......However Im kinda jelous. I need to loose 5+lbs in a weekend too but in my cats case it was from stress so yeah.........................

I've been colecting alot of Japanese Magazines and staring at them....My thinspo......

I got that new dual view Samsung camera that has an lcd screan in the front and it is epic....I love it so much and it takes good pics. Much better unfortunatly than my Nikon S230 which looked cool but was rubish.

I want to buy my birthday outfits now. I plan on wearing Lolita dresses and coats. I've picked out about 3 dresses and 2 coats but I need about $300 and I don't want to go into my savings but I can't ind my dads stupid cerdit card number...I fucking lost it at a bad time too........

Well yeah, Im going to go wander off now....Hahaha!

Want Me?

Hmm, Im like super stupid or something.....

Well anyway, Im applying for collages now.

All my life all that was drilled into me was Med School Med School Med School, your nothing without it. Your a failure, your not our child if you don't go to Med School.

Im not a doctor, I've never felt like one. I don't care about people. I...well I just want to know how they work, why they do what they do but still...I don't want to be a doctor....

Ever since I could remember I just knew that I wasn't ment to be "normal". To have a 9-5 job or whatever. I just knew that I was supossed to change the world. Big dreams yeah but I guess its what kept me somewhat sane.....

Art school did come into my head a few times but I dismissed it. I don't think I have talent for Art school at all......but My Art Teacher said I should, He told me my work was unique and that I'd do well in Art School but my stupid parents......They'll disown me if I even apply for it. Nonetheless....Im going to apply to Schools like FIT and SVA. Espicially thous two. I've taken classes at FIT so I know the area well and a few years back at a Convention a scout from SVA looked at some of my work and told me to apply when the time was right. So....I guess I have a chance. Im going to apply for NYU and Columbia even though Im pretty sure that they'll laugh at my application....

Well Somthing good that happen is that I've lost 10lb again. so Im down to 170.0...Thing is I've been eating all over the place, I was sure I'd put on weight. but yeah. I'll celebrate more when I reach 160 again....I bout my self a Marc Jacobs tote bag and the Cher mag Bag as a little reward/cheer up. I've been feeling so stressed from school. Too many fucking classes. For the past few weeks I've just been skipping classes finding excuces to come home early but I'm fucking up my grade. It seems that I started off well enough in Freshman year with tons of honors and advanced classes but now Im worst. I suck. Im failing. Im just stupid, and slow I can't keep up.

I went out with David yesterday and we went to a park in Chinatown and we ended up spending 3+ hours just makingout on a bench. I got home at like 11:00pm and my parents won't let me live it down. They honestly would rather have me locked up in my room than even sit on our own from porch. I don't understand that. First they were like "Oh I don't go anywhere" now I go everywhere hang out with bad people and all kinds of bull...Im sick of it.......They make me want to just kill myself. In fact If I didn't have my friends I'd have probably done it. I'll never tell them that though. They already think Im weird.. Haha! but in a good way, thank God.

I feel like a man around David. I mean He's way skinny like less than 120 skinny and Im just huge. and I always iniciate everything. Dates, Kisses. Im an old school kind of girl and this is just wrecking my spirt. I do mind iniciating stuff but damn it take charge!!!! Im doing all the damn work! If I don't call I won't hear from David for weeks unless hes with his friends and they mention me. and stupid Ben declaring his undying love for Danni....Im heartbroken...

Lately I've been feeling so ugly dispite the weight loss. Im addicted to Japanese Magazines now and When I read though them I just feel so sad. I can't wear any of the clothes. Too small... I want to be small enough to fit into anything but yeah.....

Im going to try the master clense diet thing and see what happens but the thing about me a lazitives is that they don't really work for me. I took some a few days ago and it would have been better if I hadn't taken it at all because nothing diffrent happened. I tried a few diffrent ones following all what the directions say and nothing.....so Im pretty sure now that it's not toxic waste or whatever making me fat but just pure fat now....:-(

On a happy note, my hair is growing. It's really growing! It's about to touch my sholders now so all these months of wigs and product have worked!!! Im now using a beautiful lace front wig which looks and feels so real. I love it but because Im not gluing it down I keep finding myself in akward situations with it.

David mainly...I was suckiling on his neck and he really really enjoyed that a bit too much and he almost took my wig off my head...So I ended up kissing him to make him stop and fixing my wig at the same time....What an experence! But a tetimony to my keeping calm in a dire situation. Haha! My hair need to grow out fast because I can't take another event like than happening....

Hmm, Im drawing up plans for my birthday. It'd be nice to hit 150lb by then.

I think I'll go have a granola bar for breakfast instead of pancakes......