Push it.

Argg...Im down to 165 and now heres where my worries begin.....For the life of me I can't seem to reasch 159 at least....very fustrating......I struggle the most to loose any weight below 165......and when I reach that delicate 160-163 I have to fight or I'll wake up 167 again.....Stupid insulin.......


My blood sugar has jumped up for no reason but my A1C level has gone down a point! From 15 to 12 and now 11....Ha, take that you stupid sickness....I'll get you, and get you good...

I want to loose this weight soo fucking bad.....I fit losely in my size 6 jeans but I wanna wear size 4.....I wanna be pretty and thin.....

However I look at my body and I hate it....It seems like no matter how much I loose I still look so bad. Im embarased. David wants to see my belly ring but I don't want to show him..I don't want him to see these stupid ugly love handles and this portruding belly. I don't want him to touch these huge thighs.......

Viseral fat..........How the fuck do I get rid of it? The sooner the better. I want a flat tummy.

I had a dream that I was wonderously thin and beautiful with long flowing hair down my thighs......What a dream.......I want it to come true now....

I estimate from books that hair grows about 6 in every year. I told David this and said that maybe in 2 years time my hair will reach my thighs and hes now overly excited because he loves long hair.....but I see that my hair is breaking and I don't know why and Im fed up with it...I hate it.....I can't style it, I can't comb or brush it with out massive amounts of hair coming out, I can't put any product in it with out my hair getting all gummy and funny feeling....I HATE IT....

All I want is long pretty hair......

All I want is to be cute and thin and fit into thous small Asian one size only clothes without having to pull out a measuring tape and measuring to see if it will fit or not......

I saw a girl at my local mall about my height and ever so skinny...it was scary....I hated her....She complained that everything was too big for her and her shorter boyfriend just laughed and wraped his arms around her slender waist and I just wanted to throw a table at them both......

I hate that so much......

And David, God I love the boy but Damn it. Im the girl, Im suposed to be the skinny one!..

None of Davids clothes will ever fit me, and it's my dream to wear my boyfriends clothes....

I hate myself................

How do I lose this fat......?


I exersise, I eat right and little....but still....I look so bad in clothes and even worst without them.....

I just want to be beautiful......

Two Faced

Hmmm, so I learned somthing very interesting about David after having a little talk with him but before I begin I want to explain some terms that people might not get (if you know what yaoi is, high five!!!)

Yaoi- Male on Male (basically gay) comics (manga), Girl Porn
Uke- Submissive, bottom, taker
Seme- Dominant, top, giver

So me and David friends have a little joke going around that David is the uke and Im the Seme in our relationship but Lord after these few week I found out how wrong they are....So wrong....

David is fierce. Intence. not at all like a manly girl. In fact the only reason why it seems like Im the one doing everything is because if he doesn't hold him self back by acting all weak and frail he could seriously hurt someone.

This thought that David was some kind of super Seme occured after we were dry humping in Central Park (lol...), He was on top of me and fucking me so damn hard I felt like I was going to cum hard and ruin my pants (Im a heavy squirter), I loved every second of it. It was so refreshing and new compared to his relaxed "ehhh do what you want" with me on top aproach.

We talked on the phone a few days ago about it among other things. David is like the ice to my fire. Apperently as of late he's been "intoxciated by my curves" All he wants to do is touch me and just "get lost in my curves". He told me I was "cute, yet oh so hot. The perfect combination" My personality was soft and gental in general yet he knew I had a deep lusty, dark and hard side to me. He loves me and I him. Ive just come to realize how good for each other we are and just in time too. But I can't believe he even remotly finds me sexy. He told me that at first it was my personality over everything else that attracted him, it was only much, much later that he began to look at my body. I WONDER WHY..<---sarcastic tone intended.

I need to get rid of this weight. so far Im going good but I have to get better...I have to...I need to, I WANT to.

I think of all the beautiful clothes I could buy....

I think of David carrying me acrocss a feild.

I think I think, I think think think.

Anyway, Im trying to join LOOKBOOK.nu but it's been so long....Can someone please invite me?

nyan.

Dreams : A One Step Program

November. Well I ment to post on Halloween but I've been so
distracted. With a good cause.

I love Ben but after seeing the change Dani has made on him I respect
that and see that maybe it was never ment to be.

David is more so like me than I realized and I've completely fallen in
love with him. However I'm insanely jelous of his 19 inch waist and
therefore have resorted to torchering him with girl clothes. Dresses
skirts..... Haha!

Dispite my fear if weight loss pills I took a chance on some call
Japanese Ling xi(?) and went from 176lbs to 167lbs In about 2 or so
weeks and for the first time in my life I have a waist that's in the
20s..... My waist went from 33+inches to 29-28 inches my hips from
41.5 to 37 my bust from 42 to 37................. It's amazing. My
tummy is still a little big and love handels are still there but still
sometimes I can't help but stare. I look good!!!!!!! Sexy and curvy.

Subcounsiously even David has noticed as he likes to put his hands on
my waist more often now and pull me closer to him.

So much has happened between us that I'm at a loss for words.

At the rate I'm going, by the time I hit my birthday I'll be a skinny
formally virgin girl!!! Haha!!

I actually want to have sex with David, the thought came to me one
evening when me and him were together on a park bench making out and
before I knew it I was on his lap grinding like mad and moaning as he
sucked on my neck vampire style. He was very respectful and didn't
push me into anything even though I was the only one who came. The
next time we met and something like that happened I couldn't believe
how horny he made me, I started encouraging him to dry fuck me real
hard. However I didn't cum this time, I tried to give him a Blow job
and had gotton so fAr as to suck on him for a bit but it was late and
I had to go home or suffer my parents.

Yesterday now when the mood struck us again, this time in Central Park
on A partially hidden picnic table, I sucked him good untill he came
but a police officer came over at that exact moment and gave us a
warning and we fleed, embarased but fufilled. I felt a bit angry
because I had wanted him to cum in my mouth and the poliece officer
prevented that. So next time idk what's Gonna happen but either we'll
find a more secluded place or go to his home and pray his parents
don't disturb us....... Haha!!!

I like all this dry humping and all but I want his cock in me soon, I
feel whorish for saying it but that's the God honest truth. Sexually
fustrated for years and now I have a willing lover to take it all
away.......pure bliss..

Something that suprised me however was how long we've been
together.... I wasn't keeping track but he told me that it's actually
very close to a year so a little over 6-7 months.... Amazing......

Well I have alot to say but as I am typing this from my phone my hands
hurt lots now so later.....